I am in recovery and am open about that. I am recovering from abusing my body for many years, while letting the world think I was fit and healthy and strong. I wasn’t. I was a coward. I was hiding. I was harbouring secrets. I was abusive to myself. I was the opposite of found and in the “depth of despair” as Anne of Green Gables put it. Marilla promptly answered that she had never been in the the depths of “despair” because, “to despair is to turn your back on God!” I never quite understood that cause and effect statement.
What does it mean to be “in” recovery? We talk about people “recovering” from an accident or “recovering” from an experience. The prefix “re” is from Latin and is said to mean “again” or “back” … yet the word “recovery” when broken down then would mean to again cover or to return back to something. So if we are “in recovery” from abuses why would we want to start again? Would it not make more sense to start fresh with wisdom, insight and depth? As I take the time to grow from choosing a bad practice for so many years, I cannot say I feel like I am recovering. It does not make sense to me.
Today I watched a podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love. The book that went on to be a smash box office success starring Julia Roberts, and she tells her story where that book is only a small piece of the puzzle. She is older now and has learned many more lessons since her life was cast through Julia. It is revealing …. (there is that “re” again) how her life since then, since such a story, has further to unfolded before her.
“Self-awareness will avail you nothing!” says Rich Roll as he listens to her story, and she banters back, “discovery is not recovery”. These quips true to form that just because we know we are self-destructive does not mean we will fix what is wrong in our soul.
I am in awe of the common theme of many spiritual gurus today where the conversation is about a small piece of the human experience being scripted from the soulful place. The growing question does a soul choose to come and the great spirit partner it with a body so that it can come to earth school to learn or experience. I often hark back to the television series in 1994 Touched by an Angel where Rona Downy and Della Reese played angels here on earth to assist in the journey of wholeness or the bliss of spiritual realization. Downy was always seeking her side story, her love of lattes, while trying to be the angel-in-training and be the do good, be good student. This has been on my radar for sometime now.
As we think about body, mind and soul there is a connection. It is a connection that, in order to feel well, needs to be noted. Change is apparent and allowing the mind (or ego) to rule the chicken coop will often lead you astray. The soul is the quiet centre, most connected to the source, that is often silenced, ignored and challenged. It is the gut of the matter that we look back at and with frustration say, “I knew that was going to happen!” The body just goes along for the ride like the shell of the pistachio, hard to crack and resilient to a fault.
As I live in this new place, after almost 8 years of sobriety, I look back and am so grateful for this journey. I was addicted to pain and suffering and alcohol was my crutch. I spent so many years seeking LAVA, (love, approval, validation, acceptance) that the volcano simply continued to overflow burning not only my own skin, or surface, but keeping away any help that might have surfaced.
Walk your LAVA walk and know self-awareness is the gate to change and growth. Look for places you can seed hope and better habits and begin anew each day instead of recovering to a place you really never want to return.
#breakingstibah #richroll #elizabethgilbert #recovery #soulsearching
#breakingstibah 