Deconstruction of thinking and belief

There is an old story about a young woman who cut the ends off the ham roll at Christmas dinner. Her daughter was watching and asks, “Why do you cut the ends off?” Mother answers, “It’s tradition!” and the daughter’s brow furrows.

Later, gramma comes and as she is taking the ham out of the roasting pan, she notes to granddaughter, “I see your mom cut off the ends!” and she laughed. Daughter again furrows her brow and asks, “why are you laughing!” Gramma explains how her mother also cut the ends off. So this tradition has now entered the fourth generation. Daughter looks up at her grandmother and asks, “Why did great gramma cut the ends off?” Gramma pondered and said she had asked that too! GG told her that her mother did it as well. Then gramma leaned over and said to granddaughter, “Can I share a secret, because the time has come to look out a different window here. When I asked my mother, she said that GG did it too because the pan was not big enough to fit the whole ham! It was cut down to fit!”

Does this happen to you? Are you following, studying, seeing the world in a way that has been handed down to you by the well meaning adults who raised you? Are you following a map that no longer is of the territory you are travelling upon? Are you looking out the window to a world where your upbringing no longer fits?

This quote is from a blog by Jim Palmer When the Window Becomes the World and it has put to words much of what I have been working on for over 20 years. Recently, I heard him in an interview and he talked about the word, “chair” and how it is just a common word we use to share knowledge and to communicate. I used this analogy in 2009 when I was in an interview with a Christian discernment committee. The were deciding if I was “fit” for ministry in the Presbyterian Church. I was mocked and was asked to stick to Jesus in my descriptions. Needless to say I never “fit” nor was I ever “ordained” to ministry in any Christian organization.

It is because I look out the window and see Jesus differently and that was not allowed. When training for ministry we are to fit into the tradition and doctrines. We are to become soldiers of the church to conquer evil and grow the institution that believes Jesus died for our sins. I finally in the last month said it out loud, I do not believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I think he was executed because he was trouble for the authority of the day and was creating awareness and educating people on how to rebel.

It is interesting it took 1500 years after his death for the bible to get into the hands of the common reader. They did not have libraries where you could go and pick one from the plethora of translations and sit under a tree and read. We are now almost 15 centuries later and people are still arguing over the “truth” of the bible. Just yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who is troubled because she has a quad of friends and her evangelical friend has silently shown she no longer will be friends with the lesbian friend because of her beliefs.

I am sad we are still talking this talk and walking this walk. I am sad we are still cutting the ends off the ham just because our well meaning adults in our lives did it. I am sad it is a hard journey to move beyond biblical teaching to a deep LOVE that is in all humans. We are riddled with anxiety, polarization, loneliness, confusion and ideology extremism and the answer is to listen, love and learn from others. Be open to deep listening and hear the message. Look out the window and assess the landscape and take on the tools you need to navigate it.

There is much we can keep in the tradition of Christian faith, there is much we can learn from Islam, Buddhism, Sikhism, and others …. we all have the same goal, to treat others as we want to be treated. Care for the world and listen. LISTEN … stop cutting the ends off the ham just because it is what has always been done ….. look for a reason to change tradition.

#breakingstibah

To be here….. is to be made more!

The smell of coffee and some soft music coming from my computer. None of the apps or streaming I have work here. Kind of a forced withdrawal. Books are my friends. Particularly, Richard Wagamese and his book called “Embers” One Ojibway’s Meditations. As I read his words I stop and I think.

Here on page 147 he says, “I walk with the scars of a lifetime of living.” Six and a half decades I walk with scars, memories and courage. To be here is to be affected, made more! I am here on this lake, wondering about writing a paper that I cannot put my finger on what the prof wants. He’s asking for Indigenous theology from a personal journey perspective and yet it is to be academic with Chicago style referencing and sources. So to be here, is to be affected ….

On the lake yesterday, I was watching the shore and the birds and the water …. spirit was rippling the water, pushing me with her wind. I suppose I must push against the wind with this paper too! My theme is the theology of creation. That is very fitting to look at it through an indigenous lens with an Irish eye.

I am changing all the time. Loving my journey. Do you love your journey? Are you experiencing every minute of every day? Taking the time to find joy, look through happiness, steep yourself in gratefulness? To be here, in this moment, is to be made more and to be affected. The next moment is affected with this one.

Savour and care where you are, always!

#breakingstibah

Do you pack your fears?

Today I am preparing to go to a wee cabin/cottage on Rice Lake. It is about a three hour drive east of my home and I am preparing for the week. I have homework to do, books to read and two classes to join on zoom. This is a first for me, going to a cottage or cabin for the week.

I have travelled and backpacked in Ireland, Scotland and England. I have slept out overnight on the Bruce Trail. I have booked and gone away for purpose such as a class in person towards my masters degree. This adventure of booking a cottage for seven days, staying in place, and just relaxing is new to me.

Wicklow Way Ireland

Wicklow Way, Ireland

I am planning a trip here in 2027 and would love fellow travellers. Click this link to see where we will go. Come along with me on your own pilgrimage.

Glendalough Hermitage

I just received the check-in information and one of my thoughts has been assured. There is wifi. It is interesting how wifi has simply become something we expect to have. To not have it would send us into the stages of grief beginning, first and foremost with denial. What? What do you mean there is no wifi? I had that recently when I boarded the Chi-Cheemaun Ferry and upon asking one of the wonderful attendants on the boat, “is there a password for the wifi?” They told me, “there is no wifi” with a smile of course. I am sure that smile was not as reassured as it seemed because I can only imagine there are people who truly might meltdown upon such a statement.

I digress, I received the check-in information accompanied by a video showing where to go and which cabin is mine with the instructions of how to get in. It is amazing how so many hosts are MIA when booking an AirBNB accommodation. Many visits I have come and gone and never met anyone, let alone the host.

I booked this wee stay a few weeks ago, after the death of my sister-in-law. I had been here since January assisting in her palliative care and final spiritual journey and felt, in the days after, this was a good decision. I still think it is a good decision it is just I have never gone to a cottage/cabin before in my life. Not with my parents, not with my children, not with friends. What does one take for a week at the lake a few kilometres from town?

I leave this morning about 10 AM as I am lunching with a friend along the way. I am grateful for this because it won’t allow me to procrastinate going! I want to get, I just am not sure I want to go. Have you ever felt like the going part is harder than the getting there part. I have a bag of clothes some food, books, computer and cords. Lots and lots of cords. Cords for the phone, computer, and power pack to keep phone charged while hiking and walking. I have a bag full of stuff because I keep thinking of things I might need.

Since I am going in my car, and said car will be parked close to said cabin, I can load up with my fears. The fear I will need something I do not have! AH-HA …. the big question jumps out at me, “am I packing my fears?” As a backpacker one learns very quickly this is dangerous and HEAVY. No one wants to carry a back pack full of fears. “I might need this” is a favourite saying for the vacation packer. Three pairs of special jeans, certain tops for certain events and the kicker, ten pairs of shoes, one pair for every possible need. Walking, running, beach, dancing, dress-up, casual and Zumba!

I learned as a backpacker and an air traveller I cannot pack my fears and this is no different. I will need very little this week. I will need nothing more than I need everyday which, by choice, is lean and simple. That said, I have stopped packing. I am going to take what I have ready and go. I have been many places and never once have I stopped and said, “I wish I had brought …. {insert item here}” NEVER! So once again, I am going to relax and know, be still and know, I have all I need with me for this pilgrimage. Knowing I only need a little bread a little water and my open heart, open and willing to adventure.

#breakingstibah

Called to Cull – Am I odd or awed?

Richard Wagamese truly touched my heart today. I am working on a course called “personal spirituality” and we are reading many of the classics. Writers and theologians like St. Augustine, Teresa of Avila, Julian of Norwich, and John Bunyan and I am thoroughly enjoying this experience of awe. 

The best part of this course is the mini lectures by the prof, Carol Penner, where she gives us the cultural and historical background of these writers. Who they are and a snapshot of the times they lived in. Simply reading the words meant little to me until I paired it with the historical time frame.

I think about my own journey since 2004 when I began the niggling’s of church leadership and following a theological path. That is 22 years ago now! So much has happened, changed and evolved for me in my journey. In 2004 my kids were 18 and 16 and I was steeped in the bottle, drowning in a functional lifestyle petrified of being found out what a fraud I was. My teenagers were floating along with me, seeking to be heard and cared about. I have no idea if I did that and I am afraid to ask.

Over the next three years (2004 – 2006) I continued to be nudged, called and inspired to learn what it means to be spiritual. I was restless, challenged and hungry for anything to anchor me to something that was safe and healthy. Nothing seemed to work. I was considered “odd”, along with impetuous, loud and out of control. In hindsight I was all those things. I can see clearly now, as Dr. Wayne Dyer says in his book of the same title, it was the plantings of the seeds that time would take care of. This land of odd was the garden of promise I was invited to till and tend. The question asked quietly by source was, ‘Are you up for the task? It won’t be easy.’ 

Over the past 22 years I tended this garden of gawd, sometimes recklessly, carelessly and angrily most often with reverence, knowing, deeply rooted is the wee small voice of closeness to sanctuary. Sanctuary meaning a place of refuge, safety and holiness. I was called to cull my own destruction and it has taken all this time to do so. In saying that, I am not finished yet, I have much to do. 

When we are called to cull it is an action that can been seen as disposing of that not worthy. The word cull comes from the Latin colligere which means (“to gather”) so to cull, we can gather that which serves us best and let go of that which does not. Wagamese says, “I want to move through my days floored by the magnificence and generosity of my creator.” It is here I look back 22 years and find these moments of magnificence and generosity are in the culling, both letting go and gathering in and marvel.  

What are you called to gather?

What are you called to let go?

Prayerfully and spiritually reach into the depths of your garden and look for the seeds. There in tiny packages waiting to be opened and scattered. 

“Freedom is letting go of bounds and barriers, and hurling yourself into the adventure of living. That’s how you build a book of moments, a love, a friendship, a family.” Richard Wagamese (pg 78, Embers: One Ojibway’s Meditations)

Like this flower, open your mouth and allow your tongue to taste life in its fullness, invite the birds, bees and ants to crawl around gathering information and food.

Called to Cull

So being called to cull! What does that mean? I have moved much in my life both physically and metaphorically and I am better for it. I can sit on an item now and decide if it will bring me joy or encumbrance. I can let go of things because I know in my heart I will remember their significance, I do not need to pack them in a box they are in the places of my heart that matter.

Yesterday I let go of all the costume jewelry I still was moving with me, that belonged to my mother. She died in 2009! So for over 10 years I have moved it with me as something “precious”. The jewelry was not precious, my memories of her wearing it is precious. I can see it sitting on the arborite dresser, scattered about, after she had sorted through it for a certain piece. Recently, at a yard sale at the church so many people gathered up one or two pieces of a collection and it made me realize, that keeping it in a closed box in another box was silly. So I let it go to the church yard sale for the next time they are looking to raise funds for a great cause.

I cleared my bathroom today. This is the bin of “stuff” I have collected. The garbage bag I took to the bin was almost as much. How can I collect so much stuff in six months (I haven’t lived here for the past four months). This black back is what I have lived out of for that four months and yet my bathroom cabinet was filled with “just in case” things. Do you know how cluttered your “just in case” cupboard can be?

Call yourself to cull! Be ruthless and be smart. Think about this, if I was taken to an island today and was allowed a car or van load of things what would I take? It is so freeing and very healthy. In a world where “stuff” is marketed to us every single day, rebel, push back and realize the important stuff is in your heart and soul!

Adama means ground in Hebrew

I am preparing for a course this term (Spring term) called Indigenous Theologies. I was given two text that need to be read prior to the May 11 start. I am in an interesting place in my life as I read these text. I wonder how everything seems to be sychronistic (not syncretic a new word I learned). I am forever aware.

I have changed, for the better, changed for good, I hope in the past few years. With eight years of sobriety I can now visit the old places where I used to live and see if I can make them right. I am blending the beliefs of my old religiousness, gathering them and then asking how can I make something new. That is syncretism. The blending of beliefs. Ahhhhh what a beautiful opportunity.

My friend asked me today “tell me some of the things you eat” and I had to stop and think, because what I ate prior to January 1 may be different than what I have been eating lately, because the journey is asking something different of me. I have been asked to set aside my old ways, my patterns, and then see what comes each day. In AA they say, “one day at a time” and this is not only where that should be honoured. Every day is important and needs to be noticed. At the end of it, lay your head and ask did I live today with integrity, kindness, awareness and spiritual wellness?

Be grateful when you awaken in the morning realizing you can have yet another day to do better, be better and care more.

We were created from “…fertile topsoil, with all its wiggling worms, decayed matter, and fungal filaments. The living soil, which has always been vital for producing fruitful plants, is the soil from which humanity is also formed. This reinforces the common creatureliness and kinship with the rest of creation and reminds the reader once again of the essential connection between humanity and the land.” (Hoklotubbe and Zacharias, Reading the Bible on Turtle Island: Page 36 referencing the Genesis story from the Hebrew Scriptures)

So beautiful and life-giving at a time when life is waning for those I love

The key is in your pocket

Today I watched on YT one of my fav interviewers and he had a special video that was excerpts from past interviews. It is called Life Advice from 80+ Year Olds You Didn’t Know You Needed and has people I who I know their work well. He omitted their identity, (why I don’t know, oversight?) however I knew all of them on sight. One special one, is Dr. Edith Eger a survivor of Auschwitz. She talks about her time in the camp and how she has come to see we are all prisoners in our minds, and we carry the keys in our pocket. While her experience is horrific she teaches and leads one to realize we are able to rise above anything.

I am now eight years sober and it is one area of my life where I see how I finally pulled the key out of my pocket. I healed and soothed my soul so my ego could let go of the shell I had created.

I am halfway through a second masters and decided to quit because I felt it was unnecessary to finish. I was feeding yet again another prison I had created, telling myself I am not worth speaking my needs to finish this degree. Falling victim to fear and abandonment. Once again I pulled out the key and opened the door to potential.

Like this mushroom I am

finding a place to grow!

What keys are on your ring in your pocket that need to be reviewed? Maybe there are keys there that belong to doors you have already opened. Maybe pick one and see which door you are challenged to enter. The spirit will guide you.

I am on a new journey, canoeing down a new canal, swimming in a different lane and it has presented me with many keys and asked deeply provocative questions. I am listening. I am learning. I am loving.

We may reach the finish line

here and there, but we are

never finished!

The challenge of knowing

These pieces are all random and laying around my table. They represent a picture that will come together when I take the time to move them and match them up. Otherwise, this puzzle, in its scatter will simply remain scattered.

Our lives are a splat! A scattering of puzzle pieces according to Dr. Sue Mortar. Her theory is we arrive here after landing at the bus stop, speaking with source and challenging the soul to an earthly life to live lessons. Once the mission, is accepted onward the journey. We arrive, or splat, and then spend the rest of our lives seeking all our pieces.

It is our job to figure out how to live our soul’s mission. It is our burning desire, deep in our heart to fulfill that which we set out to achieve. Then the human existence gets involved. Ego (Edging Gawd Out) begins to play with us on a human level. Our need for soul’s fulfillment takes a silent back seat to the drive of the ego. This is where it gets tricky. Are we able to reconnect with the very heart of our own matter?

This brings me to the question, if you knew your death day would you live differently? In the work I do, I am now immersed in knowing too much. I know more than most people witness. That is not arrogance talking, it is fact. There are few who can speak up and say, “I have lived a journey of self or with others where I knew the death day.” I have been changing a woman in her bed, and while freshening up her dying body, she died. She took her last breath. It was not planned in that moment, not by me or my care mate, however it was planned by the body. The body gave out, took its last breath and beat its last beat. The blood took its final lap around the miles of vessels. I was at the bedside of my father, watching the Young and the Restless with my mother when he breathed his last. When his body said, “enough, it is finished!” My father a very religious man did not call out asking why he had been forsaken, or begged for the forgiveness of others. Nor did he commend his own soul to source. He simply stopped breathing. The vessel was left behind and that which I knew of as my father seemed to be gone. It was not planned or known when that moment would come, it just came.

In a world today when we might know our death day, what makes that different? My beautiful friend and guide, Linda F. Hochstetler, has a book from a Canadian perspective that talks about dying and death. In it she has a meditation asking this very question beginning with eight years (I think) and then meditating down to eight seconds. I have done it, however, now I have a very different view since I have watched it happen in real life. The challenges, the questions, the anger, the fear, the unknown …. they all surface in real ways, in real challenges and in real pain.

Most of us live our lives never considering our death day. Not one minute of living is spent thinking about dying, other than to joke about it or throw out platitudes. Just today, on the news, a father of one of the boys killed in the Humboldt Broncos bus crash was speaking about his son. He was talking about the lives made better and saved because they donated their boys organs. He shared how one day, while on the back deck he and his son were talking about someone donating their organs. His boy said he wanted his organs donated if possible. That was the simple seed planted that assisted the family in a time of dire sadness.

Pretend one day that you know your death day. Set a date in the future as your own death day. See what it is like to plan beyond it, focus on the future, and ask yourself, “am I looking at my family differently?” Just because you create an awareness of living by setting a death day does not mean you will die, it means you will live because a new awareness will grasp you. An awareness that cannot honestly be fathomed until you truly are facing your death day.

I am changed. My work will change going forward. Thanks be to my own soul for its choosing to learn beyond the depths of what surfing or skimming the surface will bring. I am so grateful for all the joy, pain, suffering and hope I have witnessed. Truly I feel I am living. Living fully. Deeply aware. Hungrily understanding a soulful journey.

A poem by Mary Oliver ….

“Where there is life there is hope.”

This title is a quote from my favourite show, Downton Abbey, of course. If you have followed my writing at all I am sure you know that. I was standing at the front window looking to the east as the sun was appearing and thought to myself how blessed I am. Where there is life we can find hope, or as Mrs. Hughes said, there “is” hope. The question is what does hope look like. Hope to one is different than hope to another.

I am on a journey of hope right now. In the moment, I asked the question, “are you afraid of dying?” and was told no. That brought me hope. Hope that people can, even on their death bed, can reassure and remind me fear and hope are both found within.

Most recently I had a very restless sleep because I was fearful. My imagination was running away with me. I had latched onto a thought, and this thought had turned from a passing wonder into a dark, scary monster. I was lying in bed, in the darkest night, and this monster just took me over. My breathing quickened, my heart rate increased and my head felt like it was going to explode! Honestly, our thoughts are so dangerous.

Funny tho’ as the next day I was listening to Dr. Wayne Dyer’s book Your Erroneous Zones and it helped me with that dark night of thinking, thinking, thinking. Thoughts are just that, thoughts. We set up fears, hopes, dreams, actions on nothing but thoughts. Everything in our lives is driven by a thought! It is how we direct these thoughts and what thoughts we allow into our world that matters. When the neighbour’s great aunt dies, we never even give it a second thought, and yet, something happens in our world we give it second, third, fourth ….. fifteenth thoughts! So much real estate is taken up with the “what if’s” , we about drown. The key to releasing my biology from the ravish of the stress was to change my thoughts. Now don’t get me wrong….. this is hard. The thing is tho’ it is possible!

Where there is life there is hope, reminds me each day we are given a day of life and then we can choose what to do with it. Watching my children and grandkids reminds me of how much can be done in a day. Sitting at the bedside of the dying reminds me how to live the one beautiful life I am given. On the death bed, there is no do-overs, no going back, nothing in the past can be changed. So, where there is life there is hope you will live with integrity, honesty, and love.

Start a plant from a clipping and watch it grow. Think about that when your mind takes off. Study a bird in the sky, dipping and soaring, and when a thought takes you down the 400 series highway, jump on the wings of that bird in your mind and take to the skies, let go of the spiralling thought downward and find hope in the positive. This is a practice, not a gift.

My life is about to change yet again. Previously, I would have felt shame that yet again I am migrating, pulling up stakes, re-rooting my soul, but plants remind me we can flower and grow anywhere when we have the right conditions. Where there is life there is hope. Hold on to that!

#breakingstibah

spiritual awareness

It’s been a while since I put fingers to keys to write anything beyond a short post. I have not blogged or vlogged on our DanCyn’ Adventures channel either. I have been on sabbatical. It was not really planned, it just happened AND it was not paid, other than my regular older adult income. That said it is a beautiful time. I moved as many know to the northern community called Elliot Lake in July 2025. I moved there for financial reasons alongside of the knowing it is marketed as a retirement community. I was there 6 months and settling in only to be invited back with family to help care.

For the past 8 weeks or so I have been living in caring for a loved one. Humbling work of service that reminds how life can get away. I have been doing this kind of work for 20 years, working with people dealing with grief, loss and sadness and, also working hands on care, providing service to those who need help with daily activities of living. These hands, sometimes cold, thankfully more often warm, massage, wash, tend and hold others with compassion and love.

Most recently I watched a $50 bill travel from hand to hand over a few hours as one provided it to another, saying, “give this to …” then the second recipient turning it over to another saying, “here treat yourself to something nice.” Then knowing the nice might be donating it to help a charity. It reminded me how all things in life are a currency. We often think of money as the only currency however there are so many currencies in our day to day lives that we overlook and take for granted. In helping someone, you offer your currency of care and love.

I am reading a book called Sun House by David James Duncan and it is profoundly written in story form bringing the serendipity of life to the forefront. I am currently completing level 2 of Spiritually Integrated Psychotherapy where we are learning how to care for the soul or spirit as part of the overall psychological living we do. The training is finally speaking to my own heart as it teases out how we are spiritual beings first and religious second. Religiosity is a way of living out our spirituality (outward expression of an inner need) and one can live a full spiritual life without ever touching any traditional religious institution. It takes my breath away how this is finally being taught and seen.

There is so much to life we miss when we are anchored in the social norms or mainstream media and falling beneath the waves of internet searching. We are dumbed down and anaesthetized, or rendered desensitized, to pain and life’s light when we spend time on screens.

Touching the skin of my loved one, holding hands, washing face, cleaning up after a bowel movement are all acts of love so deep that this can be only a currency of spiritual awareness and a humble heart. There is so much more to be grateful for that most people miss. Are you missing out? Reach out to me and let me help you find your spirit and bring your soul into the light.

“if only I could just get up to pee …”
“I would love to have a shower …”
“To be able to feel the cold on my face while I take a walk …”

If you can do any of these be ever so grateful ….

#breakingstibah
#dancynadventures