Trail Blazing in a new way

As I am blazing new trails this August for the #helpbolivia cause I am finding I am being called to trailblaze in new ways. I am reading a book for study purposes called, “Early Exits” by David MaGinley and it is changing my mind. It is calling my heart to step up to be visited once again about topics I thought I had thoroughly covered.

Trails, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, can always be revisited and looked at again. Taking a trail that is rutted and grooved, well into the land of our psyche, and seeing if it still fits our journey, is very hard to do at times.

In my work, I visit families who are saying goodbye to a loved one. I spend time with those whose trail has completely disappeared from view. The clouds and rain of tears is blurring the lens of future living. How do I go on? What’s next for me? What is life without …. my spouse, my mom, my sister/brother, my dog/cat or even a favourite tree! (This is a familiar spot where one day DanCyn’ Adventures YouTube will make a collage of all the times we have done this photo set up. )

In the book Early Exits I am in chapter 4, Natural Death, and it begins with a quote from Eckhart Tolle “Death is not the opposite of life. Life has no opposite. Death is the opposite of birth.” When we live life to the fullest and then take our last breath, we birth our soul into the next adventure. Trail blazing for the soul brings together human existence so we can feel, touch and love in physical form. Life is lived, experienced and if we are fully immersed we can drown in the feelings. Whether they are feelings of joy, sadness or complacency it is in the experience we are alive.

While this book is about MAiD and one chaplain’s experience from its Canadian Bill 14 passing, it is a trail about his work throughout 10 years in chaplaincy. He is a trailblazer in this story and it is one I want to continue to follow. The DanCyn’ Adventures women website both are blazing trails of our own. Treading, climbing, weathering and challenging ourselves to live so our birth and our death are of equal value.

So this trailblazing journey I am on is overflowing into the children’s lives in Bolivia because with the help of this charity, Matt and Lydia et al, they are given a chance to live lives to the fullest. Won’t you drop a dollar or two on the trail?

Donate HERE

Walking Wounded

Downton Abbey, Mrs. Hughes, “You should think Mr. Lang, you are not the only member of the walking wounded in this house.”

We never know as we walk about day to day who is a member of this group. The walking wounded, those whose scars, trauma and pain are covered over with skin and bones. The suffering heart, broken, and yet unseen by the naked eye. “Shell shock” it used to be called and is now better known as PTSD, post traumatic stress, killing softly with its song.

Suffering quietly is how many people cope. They are in fear of being judged and if we listen we can hear their pain. The key is we need to WANT to listen and hear the pain. Often when pain meets pain neither are heard.

As I meet people after I lead worship they often have gleaned something in my message or choice of readings that gives them courage to share their story. This is the cracking of the m&m shell allowing the gooey to flow. When I do what I do I need to be ready to get some of the gooey on me and I am happy to do so.

I welcome the walking wounded into my world. I am happy to be that place where story can be told, over and over again, until the pain is exhausted and soothed.

Come and share your story. Come to group and share.
#breakingstibah

The lens is key

This morning I got into a nice cool shower. It felt good after the warmth of the night. I was feeling sticky and hot with this recent heat wave, a two minute shower often is the ticket to refreshing the soul.

As I stood in the shower, I looked down and there was something on the floor of the shower that stood out. It was a dark spot on the shower floor and headed for the drain. My instinct was to stop it and I did. I was a bit freaked out as thoughts rushed through my mind. What is that? I pushed it aside, held it there and shut off the shower. Curious though I was I was hesitant I might get bit, if it was a spider!

I tried to look closer and just could not make it out. I watched it to see if it was going to sprout legs and move. It did not so I thought maybe I had killed it by drowning! OH no! I save a chipmunk, drown an insect. I felt terrible. I stepped out dripping water and reached for some toilet paper and carefully gathered it up. I still could not make out what it was, so left it on the toilet paper, in the sink and finished my shower.

I guess I should remind everyone, I wear glasses. Without my glasses I cannot see anything outside of furry shapes in my line of sight. I wear reading glasses when I read because bifocals give me a headache so only use them in passing everyday. This is why I could not see what it was that was joining me for a shower today.

After my shower, I dried off and dressed and got my glasses and then went to look at this horrible, scary, fearsome creature. As I approached the sink it had not moved and upon further inspection I realized it was a sliver off the beautiful creamy bar of soap I use. The soap is homemade and is marbled with green and beige. This little invader was a sliver of the previous piece I had married on to the new piece as it got too small to use. Today it had broke free.

I reflected on how important my glasses are for me to see properly and clearly. I am grateful I have spent time allowing for curiosity and exploration of all things in my life. I replayed in my morning how I could have leaped from the shower in fear, I could have slipped on the wet surfaces or stood frozen in place wondering how to get out of this predicament. There are so many ways this could have played out. In the foggy vision I had it was critical I stayed calm, took time to assess and then acted. I was not in danger at any point except from my reaction.

How often in life do we react in haste and perceived fear? When have you been blinded or looked through lenses that are outdated or past tense? Leaving oneself open to curiosity brings hope and an awareness that can blind you with beauty and cleanse your soul in peace.

Make sure all the lenses in your life are ones that are worthy of you holding on to them. Reassess and clarify you are not carrying childhood fears, adolescent injury or young adult anger. Cleanse the ego of debilitating forces and ridged thinking. Free yourself to explore when a piece of your life breaks away. Blossom in place! I can help!

Deconstruction of thinking and belief

There is an old story about a young woman who cut the ends off the ham roll at Christmas dinner. Her daughter was watching and asks, “Why do you cut the ends off?” Mother answers, “It’s tradition!” and the daughter’s brow furrows.

Later, gramma comes and as she is taking the ham out of the roasting pan, she notes to granddaughter, “I see your mom cut off the ends!” and she laughed. Daughter again furrows her brow and asks, “why are you laughing!” Gramma explains how her mother also cut the ends off. So this tradition has now entered the fourth generation. Daughter looks up at her grandmother and asks, “Why did great gramma cut the ends off?” Gramma pondered and said she had asked that too! GG told her that her mother did it as well. Then gramma leaned over and said to granddaughter, “Can I share a secret, because the time has come to look out a different window here. When I asked my mother, she said that GG did it too because the pan was not big enough to fit the whole ham! It was cut down to fit!”

Does this happen to you? Are you following, studying, seeing the world in a way that has been handed down to you by the well meaning adults who raised you? Are you following a map that no longer is of the territory you are travelling upon? Are you looking out the window to a world where your upbringing no longer fits?

This quote is from a blog by Jim Palmer When the Window Becomes the World and it has put to words much of what I have been working on for over 20 years. Recently, I heard him in an interview and he talked about the word, “chair” and how it is just a common word we use to share knowledge and to communicate. I used this analogy in 2009 when I was in an interview with a Christian discernment committee. The were deciding if I was “fit” for ministry in the Presbyterian Church. I was mocked and was asked to stick to Jesus in my descriptions. Needless to say I never “fit” nor was I ever “ordained” to ministry in any Christian organization.

It is because I look out the window and see Jesus differently and that was not allowed. When training for ministry we are to fit into the tradition and doctrines. We are to become soldiers of the church to conquer evil and grow the institution that believes Jesus died for our sins. I finally in the last month said it out loud, I do not believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I think he was executed because he was trouble for the authority of the day and was creating awareness and educating people on how to rebel.

It is interesting it took 1500 years after his death for the bible to get into the hands of the common reader. They did not have libraries where you could go and pick one from the plethora of translations and sit under a tree and read. We are now almost 15 centuries later and people are still arguing over the “truth” of the bible. Just yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who is troubled because she has a quad of friends and her evangelical friend has silently shown she no longer will be friends with the lesbian friend because of her beliefs.

I am sad we are still talking this talk and walking this walk. I am sad we are still cutting the ends off the ham just because our well meaning adults in our lives did it. I am sad it is a hard journey to move beyond biblical teaching to a deep LOVE that is in all humans. We are riddled with anxiety, polarization, loneliness, confusion and ideology extremism and the answer is to listen, love and learn from others. Be open to deep listening and hear the message. Look out the window and assess the landscape and take on the tools you need to navigate it.

There is much we can keep in the tradition of Christian faith, there is much we can learn from Islam, Buddhism, Sikhism, and others …. we all have the same goal, to treat others as we want to be treated. Care for the world and listen. LISTEN … stop cutting the ends off the ham just because it is what has always been done ….. look for a reason to change tradition.

#breakingstibah

To be here….. is to be made more!

The smell of coffee and some soft music coming from my computer. None of the apps or streaming I have work here. Kind of a forced withdrawal. Books are my friends. Particularly, Richard Wagamese and his book called “Embers” One Ojibway’s Meditations. As I read his words I stop and I think.

Here on page 147 he says, “I walk with the scars of a lifetime of living.” Six and a half decades I walk with scars, memories and courage. To be here is to be affected, made more! I am here on this lake, wondering about writing a paper that I cannot put my finger on what the prof wants. He’s asking for Indigenous theology from a personal journey perspective and yet it is to be academic with Chicago style referencing and sources. So to be here, is to be affected ….

On the lake yesterday, I was watching the shore and the birds and the water …. spirit was rippling the water, pushing me with her wind. I suppose I must push against the wind with this paper too! My theme is the theology of creation. That is very fitting to look at it through an indigenous lens with an Irish eye.

I am changing all the time. Loving my journey. Do you love your journey? Are you experiencing every minute of every day? Taking the time to find joy, look through happiness, steep yourself in gratefulness? To be here, in this moment, is to be made more and to be affected. The next moment is affected with this one.

Savour and care where you are, always!

#breakingstibah

Do you pack your fears?

Today I am preparing to go to a wee cabin/cottage on Rice Lake. It is about a three hour drive east of my home and I am preparing for the week. I have homework to do, books to read and two classes to join on zoom. This is a first for me, going to a cottage or cabin for the week.

I have travelled and backpacked in Ireland, Scotland and England. I have slept out overnight on the Bruce Trail. I have booked and gone away for purpose such as a class in person towards my masters degree. This adventure of booking a cottage for seven days, staying in place, and just relaxing is new to me.

Wicklow Way Ireland

Wicklow Way, Ireland

I am planning a trip here in 2027 and would love fellow travellers. Click this link to see where we will go. Come along with me on your own pilgrimage.

Glendalough Hermitage

I just received the check-in information and one of my thoughts has been assured. There is wifi. It is interesting how wifi has simply become something we expect to have. To not have it would send us into the stages of grief beginning, first and foremost with denial. What? What do you mean there is no wifi? I had that recently when I boarded the Chi-Cheemaun Ferry and upon asking one of the wonderful attendants on the boat, “is there a password for the wifi?” They told me, “there is no wifi” with a smile of course. I am sure that smile was not as reassured as it seemed because I can only imagine there are people who truly might meltdown upon such a statement.

I digress, I received the check-in information accompanied by a video showing where to go and which cabin is mine with the instructions of how to get in. It is amazing how so many hosts are MIA when booking an AirBNB accommodation. Many visits I have come and gone and never met anyone, let alone the host.

I booked this wee stay a few weeks ago, after the death of my sister-in-law. I had been here since January assisting in her palliative care and final spiritual journey and felt, in the days after, this was a good decision. I still think it is a good decision it is just I have never gone to a cottage/cabin before in my life. Not with my parents, not with my children, not with friends. What does one take for a week at the lake a few kilometres from town?

I leave this morning about 10 AM as I am lunching with a friend along the way. I am grateful for this because it won’t allow me to procrastinate going! I want to get, I just am not sure I want to go. Have you ever felt like the going part is harder than the getting there part. I have a bag of clothes some food, books, computer and cords. Lots and lots of cords. Cords for the phone, computer, and power pack to keep phone charged while hiking and walking. I have a bag full of stuff because I keep thinking of things I might need.

Since I am going in my car, and said car will be parked close to said cabin, I can load up with my fears. The fear I will need something I do not have! AH-HA …. the big question jumps out at me, “am I packing my fears?” As a backpacker one learns very quickly this is dangerous and HEAVY. No one wants to carry a back pack full of fears. “I might need this” is a favourite saying for the vacation packer. Three pairs of special jeans, certain tops for certain events and the kicker, ten pairs of shoes, one pair for every possible need. Walking, running, beach, dancing, dress-up, casual and Zumba!

I learned as a backpacker and an air traveller I cannot pack my fears and this is no different. I will need very little this week. I will need nothing more than I need everyday which, by choice, is lean and simple. That said, I have stopped packing. I am going to take what I have ready and go. I have been many places and never once have I stopped and said, “I wish I had brought …. {insert item here}” NEVER! So once again, I am going to relax and know, be still and know, I have all I need with me for this pilgrimage. Knowing I only need a little bread a little water and my open heart, open and willing to adventure.

#breakingstibah

Called to Cull – Am I odd or awed?

Richard Wagamese truly touched my heart today. I am working on a course called “personal spirituality” and we are reading many of the classics. Writers and theologians like St. Augustine, Teresa of Avila, Julian of Norwich, and John Bunyan and I am thoroughly enjoying this experience of awe. 

The best part of this course is the mini lectures by the prof, Carol Penner, where she gives us the cultural and historical background of these writers. Who they are and a snapshot of the times they lived in. Simply reading the words meant little to me until I paired it with the historical time frame.

I think about my own journey since 2004 when I began the niggling’s of church leadership and following a theological path. That is 22 years ago now! So much has happened, changed and evolved for me in my journey. In 2004 my kids were 18 and 16 and I was steeped in the bottle, drowning in a functional lifestyle petrified of being found out what a fraud I was. My teenagers were floating along with me, seeking to be heard and cared about. I have no idea if I did that and I am afraid to ask.

Over the next three years (2004 – 2006) I continued to be nudged, called and inspired to learn what it means to be spiritual. I was restless, challenged and hungry for anything to anchor me to something that was safe and healthy. Nothing seemed to work. I was considered “odd”, along with impetuous, loud and out of control. In hindsight I was all those things. I can see clearly now, as Dr. Wayne Dyer says in his book of the same title, it was the plantings of the seeds that time would take care of. This land of odd was the garden of promise I was invited to till and tend. The question asked quietly by source was, ‘Are you up for the task? It won’t be easy.’ 

Over the past 22 years I tended this garden of gawd, sometimes recklessly, carelessly and angrily most often with reverence, knowing, deeply rooted is the wee small voice of closeness to sanctuary. Sanctuary meaning a place of refuge, safety and holiness. I was called to cull my own destruction and it has taken all this time to do so. In saying that, I am not finished yet, I have much to do. 

When we are called to cull it is an action that can been seen as disposing of that not worthy. The word cull comes from the Latin colligere which means (“to gather”) so to cull, we can gather that which serves us best and let go of that which does not. Wagamese says, “I want to move through my days floored by the magnificence and generosity of my creator.” It is here I look back 22 years and find these moments of magnificence and generosity are in the culling, both letting go and gathering in and marvel.  

What are you called to gather?

What are you called to let go?

Prayerfully and spiritually reach into the depths of your garden and look for the seeds. There in tiny packages waiting to be opened and scattered. 

“Freedom is letting go of bounds and barriers, and hurling yourself into the adventure of living. That’s how you build a book of moments, a love, a friendship, a family.” Richard Wagamese (pg 78, Embers: One Ojibway’s Meditations)

Like this flower, open your mouth and allow your tongue to taste life in its fullness, invite the birds, bees and ants to crawl around gathering information and food.

Called to Cull

So being called to cull! What does that mean? I have moved much in my life both physically and metaphorically and I am better for it. I can sit on an item now and decide if it will bring me joy or encumbrance. I can let go of things because I know in my heart I will remember their significance, I do not need to pack them in a box they are in the places of my heart that matter.

Yesterday I let go of all the costume jewelry I still was moving with me, that belonged to my mother. She died in 2009! So for over 10 years I have moved it with me as something “precious”. The jewelry was not precious, my memories of her wearing it is precious. I can see it sitting on the arborite dresser, scattered about, after she had sorted through it for a certain piece. Recently, at a yard sale at the church so many people gathered up one or two pieces of a collection and it made me realize, that keeping it in a closed box in another box was silly. So I let it go to the church yard sale for the next time they are looking to raise funds for a great cause.

I cleared my bathroom today. This is the bin of “stuff” I have collected. The garbage bag I took to the bin was almost as much. How can I collect so much stuff in six months (I haven’t lived here for the past four months). This black back is what I have lived out of for that four months and yet my bathroom cabinet was filled with “just in case” things. Do you know how cluttered your “just in case” cupboard can be?

Call yourself to cull! Be ruthless and be smart. Think about this, if I was taken to an island today and was allowed a car or van load of things what would I take? It is so freeing and very healthy. In a world where “stuff” is marketed to us every single day, rebel, push back and realize the important stuff is in your heart and soul!

Adama means ground in Hebrew

I am preparing for a course this term (Spring term) called Indigenous Theologies. I was given two text that need to be read prior to the May 11 start. I am in an interesting place in my life as I read these text. I wonder how everything seems to be sychronistic (not syncretic a new word I learned). I am forever aware.

I have changed, for the better, changed for good, I hope in the past few years. With eight years of sobriety I can now visit the old places where I used to live and see if I can make them right. I am blending the beliefs of my old religiousness, gathering them and then asking how can I make something new. That is syncretism. The blending of beliefs. Ahhhhh what a beautiful opportunity.

My friend asked me today “tell me some of the things you eat” and I had to stop and think, because what I ate prior to January 1 may be different than what I have been eating lately, because the journey is asking something different of me. I have been asked to set aside my old ways, my patterns, and then see what comes each day. In AA they say, “one day at a time” and this is not only where that should be honoured. Every day is important and needs to be noticed. At the end of it, lay your head and ask did I live today with integrity, kindness, awareness and spiritual wellness?

Be grateful when you awaken in the morning realizing you can have yet another day to do better, be better and care more.

We were created from “…fertile topsoil, with all its wiggling worms, decayed matter, and fungal filaments. The living soil, which has always been vital for producing fruitful plants, is the soil from which humanity is also formed. This reinforces the common creatureliness and kinship with the rest of creation and reminds the reader once again of the essential connection between humanity and the land.” (Hoklotubbe and Zacharias, Reading the Bible on Turtle Island: Page 36 referencing the Genesis story from the Hebrew Scriptures)

So beautiful and life-giving at a time when life is waning for those I love

The key is in your pocket

Today I watched on YT one of my fav interviewers and he had a special video that was excerpts from past interviews. It is called Life Advice from 80+ Year Olds You Didn’t Know You Needed and has people I who I know their work well. He omitted their identity, (why I don’t know, oversight?) however I knew all of them on sight. One special one, is Dr. Edith Eger a survivor of Auschwitz. She talks about her time in the camp and how she has come to see we are all prisoners in our minds, and we carry the keys in our pocket. While her experience is horrific she teaches and leads one to realize we are able to rise above anything.

I am now eight years sober and it is one area of my life where I see how I finally pulled the key out of my pocket. I healed and soothed my soul so my ego could let go of the shell I had created.

I am halfway through a second masters and decided to quit because I felt it was unnecessary to finish. I was feeding yet again another prison I had created, telling myself I am not worth speaking my needs to finish this degree. Falling victim to fear and abandonment. Once again I pulled out the key and opened the door to potential.

Like this mushroom I am

finding a place to grow!

What keys are on your ring in your pocket that need to be reviewed? Maybe there are keys there that belong to doors you have already opened. Maybe pick one and see which door you are challenged to enter. The spirit will guide you.

I am on a new journey, canoeing down a new canal, swimming in a different lane and it has presented me with many keys and asked deeply provocative questions. I am listening. I am learning. I am loving.

We may reach the finish line

here and there, but we are

never finished!