The Next Adventure

Shane (my son) said to me, “Mom you said you were NEVER going to do another solo hike, when you were in Ireland.” I said, “One learning as we age is NEVER say NEVER!” Funny how in the throes of adventure the lows can make you say things you really do not mean. Being in the stress of loneliness or weariness one abandons all of it. All the adventure. It is only when the trip is complete and you can look back and see that, is the lesson learned.

I am beginning to think about “what’s next?” and am formulating a plan. I am not going to give it away yet as the views of my Ireland journey are still just beginning, telling me it is still fresh in my mind. I also have just secured my apartment (I think) in Elliot Lake so my summer will be taken up getting organized in my new home and deciding about school in the fall. My life is never simple, that is for sure. However, it is how I choose to live. Change and flux seem to be my fodder.

Watching the triplets, three babies all born almost within a year, makes me smile. They explore and express themselves and they are never bored. They have not yet discovered the human construction of boredom. They simply exist and live their lives with one ingrained intuition. To simply move and live. They squawk when they are hungry, pee and poop in the moment, touch everything they can and push the limits. When do we lose that ability? What is it that causes adults to squash these qualities out of us?

I have now spent almost a year on the campus in grad housing, another experience I can record in my journal of life. Watching younger students has been interesting. As a more mature student I have a different view, my nut tree has more nuts in it, and I have more past to draw from. Pondering at its best.

Today is the birthday of a cousin I have not seen in years. My memories of our playtime in the past are clear. I remember one morning on the farm her waking with a swollen eye from a mosquito bite and when she put on her glasses the swelling touched the lens. She could not see out of that eye. We played anyway. So as I move forward into the next adventure while I might not be able to see, I will play anyway, and know that my vision will clear as time goes on. One valuable lesson I have learned is when we allow our vision to be revealed wonderful things happen. It is in the stress of the waiting we struggle, hence the “NEVERs” seem to creep in. May you ponder your “NEVERs” well and prayerfully give them a chance to fall away.

Where is the month going?

Day 25 – It feels like I missed day 24 … missed it all together. I woke up and the day got away and, before I knew it, I was in bed at the end of it. I did produce a video yesterday. A video of my weekend in Niagara Falls Canada (of course, lol). I love Canada, I am Canadian, and while having Irish blood deep in my DNA (immigration of grandfolks in 1823 or so) I believe I am Canadian. Niagara Falls has been part of my life for years. 

I remember going there with my sister and her husband. I think maybe their first born was there, but I am unsure. They were married in 1963 and first born was not here until 1968. I would have been nine. I remember a helicopter ride that I did not go up in, but they did. I cannot remember the details, just remember being at Niagara Falls, so many years ago. I remember being there with my folks too. I remember being lost in flowers, just the fleeting memory of it. 

I remember a funeral when I was very small. I remember many funerals. There was an uncle, husband to my mom’s sister, who died. A neighbour. My brother, grandparents. Then I remember my aunt’s “friend” who shared her life after that. Never married, something no one talked about. I remember travelling to the east coast the summer my brother and my grandfather died. I cannot remember if it was before they died or after. I was 13 years old. I remember telling my mother about my divorce. I remember my cousin waking up with an eye so swollen she could not put on her glasses and no one knowing what caused it. I remember…

Carol Orsborn writes, on page 150, of Older, Wiser, Fiercer, “Another of the great gifts of age is that perceptions – even cherished ones – can seemingly change in a flash.” It is never too late to have a happy childhood or find happy memories from the past. Our memory is just that, our memory, and we choose what to keep near and dear to our heart and it can be pain or beauty. In this reflection she speaks of a field of love where we return. In our aging selves we can look differently upon memories as we look differently upon our lives. She further writes, “The external world may not ever change its storyline, but you are now free to cease preoccupying yourself with all the apparently unloving stuff…..” 

The day got away yesterday and while the RV did not pan out, nor was it worth the drive, the few minutes with my toddler granddaughter was more than worth any lapse in the day. Her smile, her tiny hand holding my finger as we walked in circles … and her wee small voice saying, “Hi Gamma” …. Be still, my heart, and know …. Divinity is about two feet tall and carries within the “wee small voice” of God!

 As the moon wanes to darkness, we tremble in gratefulness to know the moon shine again …. the ebb and flow of the tide and the light. Women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#carolorsborn

#spiritualpractices

Moving time once again….

Day 22 – It’s raining today! I love rain. Especially in the spring when the grime and dirt of winter are hanging on to the surface. When the piles of snow are a bit dreary with sand and muck. The rain cleanses and gently washes away the last remnants of winter.

I make coffee and put on the nature sounds through my speaker from a recording. Here where I have been, there are no nature sounds, with exception of squawking geese. I think the huge number of geese here has totally annihilated any other animals that might like to live here.

Today, I am heading to Niagara Falls to hike the gorge. It is a 7.5 km hike with the Niagara Hiking Group. It will be led and I will follow. I usually hike alone. Walk alone. Move alone. Live alone. To be with others is not my norm. That is one reason I want to move to Elliot Lake, to be in community with others. My own cohort, give or take a decade. Be able to join groups and share myself with others. It’s been my dream for a while now …. And now it is here, time to make the move, I wonder, is there another plan?

One of my pictures today, is the drawing my grandson made for me as he rode along in the backseat alongside my belongings when I moved here. It lives with the cutting of a plan my mother had since the 70’s. Both remind me of life’s journey.

Can it really be seven months since I came here? Some days feels like forever and others a millisecond. I’ve been offered the opportunity to break my lease and sublet for the four remaining months. That means moving in three weeks. Am I ready? Can I do that? With my Ireland Hiking plans the last two weeks of April, it means I must move fast. I have three papers that I need to do. Wrap up the semester and find a place to roost along the way. Is this how the birds that migrate feel? Come on Martha, it’s time.

One of the constants of my life are my bears. They have been with me for a long time. So I explained to them this morning, the time has come once again, family, we are diggin’ up stakes. Carol Orsborn writes, in Older, Wiser, Fiercer, on page 112, “What courage it takes to jump off the edge of who we once thought we were and plunge headfirst into the shadows.” Am I courageous? Am I brave? Or am I simply crazy, impetuous and hungry for adventure? Either way, I love it!

The light of the moon is waning as journey to darkness, however, like the moon our faces will shine again …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

#SpiritualPractice

@carolorsborn

Are you fired up or down or in or out?

Day 21 – Today’s reading in Older, Wiser, Fiercer is one that I would love to put up for all to read, because there is so much in it that I relate, I’m finding it difficult to whittle it down to a quote or two! As I lay in bed this morning thinking about my day and sharing a few moments with meditation, I was overcome with a peace and happiness that I know to be true. That is new for me, as these past few months, here at school, has seeded a great self-understanding. A personal knowing that is deep and connected.

Carol opens “This Patch”, on page 126 with these words, “One of the greatest gifts of later life is that we can grow to become not nearly as fascinated with our original wounds as we used to be.” I wanted to shout, (or add), “…. And grow to let go of our mistakes!”

I went to university for the first time at 47 years old. I had “plans” and the one-song I travel along trusting, laughed! I was haughty, arrogant and stubborn. Like the potter and the clay story, over the years, I have been molded and nuanced. Just this week a classmate shared how she had recently completed a pottery class and her greatest takeaway is no matter how many times the vessel is messed up, you can always start with it again.

That is the beauty of aging. At some point you no longer want to be “kilned”. Is that a word? What I mean by that, is in my aging I now realize when I am put through the fire the last time I am finished. So while I do not know the process of pottery working intimately, I think there are two fires. If I could, I would miss the fire altogether but I think we need to be fired a little. I want to stay in the hands of that which is molding me, making me, and maneuvering me, trusting in the process and not worrying about the outcome, or what I will be in the end.

Carol further writes, in this wee chapter, “ … there comes a time when the sheer magnitude of who you really are and what you have made of your life can no longer be circumscribed by the size of your story. You arrive at last into the realm of the awakened elder ….. “ (buy the book to finish the sentence!)

I am at peace.

I am content.

I am full of positive life energy…

I am …. that!

After the full light of the moon, we begin the journey back to darkness …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre.

#breakingstibah

#olderwiserfiercer

#SpiritualPractice

@carolorsborn

Two days in one

Day 14 – We have reached the fullness of the March 2025 equinox moon. Not only have we reached this regular monthly cycle, but we were gifted with an eclipse. A full eclipse where the moon took on a beautiful, shadowed hue. A rusty coloured silhouette in the sky through the night last night. Did you get up and look? I did. I went outside actually and stood barefoot in the grass. 

I found myself being pulled a little one way and other, like when standing in chest deep water. It was beautiful. I can’t say it was peaceful because I am on a university campus in the middle of the city. There were younger people all around me at 2:30 AM walking talking and viewing the moon through their phones. The sirens were prevalent in the background and the lights on the path robbed me of the darkness. I miss being in the country. 

Carol Orsborn writes in Older, Wiser, Fiercer, on page 7, “Aging is a time filled with irony” and comments on how there are times we are full of purpose and other times we wonder what it has all been for. **sigh** 

I am listening to a book, fiction, that has me my suspending belief about time. The character has walked through a door from 2023 and landed in 1951. Funny because yesterday was my brother’s birthday, and he was born in 1951. That caused me pause. Alongside of this book I retraced some of my own steps since 1959, my birth year. I have memories that I am unsure if they are memories or simply concoctions of my imagination. 

In this book, the character crosses paths with her grandmother at 16, and her great-grandmother in mid-life. She also witnesses how her daughter, a child of 4 in 1951, is in 2023 an older, unexplained family member, 72 years old. It boggles the mind to keep it straight and yet it reminds me, our memories can be confused, mixed up and fall away from a chronological pattern very easily. The irony? Sometimes I wish I could walk through the door and go back to simpler times and yet want to skip forward a few years to see what’s to come. The irony is wishing forward or wishing back both affect today’s purpose for living. Being old makes us appreciate our youth and yet when we were young we could not appreciate aging unless we can walk through time. Aging is living …. 

Day 15 – Hump day? Thought that was Wednesday. It is Wednesday when one is measuring a Monday to Friday week. Hump moment? That is the 13th kilometer of a ½ marathon or the 13th mile of a full one. The ‘hump’ is the bulge in the road that slows you down in a school zone. The idea is you must pay attention. So where is the hump in our aging journey? Where is the speed bump we must look for to give us the indication we are now over the hump? One never knows. 

I am sure my brother, who died in 1973, did not know the hump in his life was somewhere before his 24th birthday. Or Martin Luther King, I am sure in 1963 when he marched on Washington he was unaware it might have been the hump toward his death in 1968. Hump day could be today for any of us, however without a finish line, the hump is completely mysterious.

Tomorrow I am presenting to a group about generative aging and will talk about my views on aging well. I am more and more realizing my views and $1.40 will buy you a coffee at Tim’s and at least with the $1.40 you receive a coffee. What do I have to say that is valuable? Or even palatable? Or worth listening to? Who knows. This past week I was asked to speak for video recording about being a mature student. I spoke from my heart and in authenticity with hopes it may encourage other mature people to engage in learning. The younger student behind the camera was so encouraging to me with his thanks and kudos that I spoke well. These past few months, I have transitioned once again. The more I do the more I learn about myself. To heck with the world around me. I learn about me and that is very satisfying.

Carol Orsborn writes, on page 120, “How sobering, that moment when we come to realize that we are capable of a peculiar greatness. As we grow over time into our unique, authentic self, what others think of us becomes less and less of a concern. We lose our filters and find words ….”

Have you found your words? Is today your hump day in the rain? Is there a speed bump in your road that is asking you to slow down and pay attention? On this 15th day of my 31-day pondering, it’s my hump day, another on my road to aging well. 

After the full light of the moon we begin the journey back to darkness …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

It’s almost here … the light of the moon

Day 13

1951 a baby is born, my brother. As I look down the years of my sibling’s birth, being the youngest it stops at me. Each of my siblings and spouses have witnessed everything I have witnessed and more. The mid-1900’s were years of chaos and wave-making. The flower children, feminist movement, same sex relationship questions, drugs, alcohol, music explosion and the mass change in technology. As I sit with any of the older olds who can remember outhouses, chores in the barn, in order to eat, being kept home from school to work in the field, and children taking the place of a dead parent, my heart thickens with suffering, empathy and yet, honour. Suffering is not picky. Anyone can and will suffer. It is how we come and see our suffering that brings fulfillment. 

Carol Orsborn writes on page 97 of Older, Wiser, Fiercer “When we allow hardship and suffering to do their work over time, the ripened spirit bursts forth to inhabit one’s naturally abundant world.” Today, I was interviewed for the purpose of marketing and sharing life of a mature student and why theology is important to me. Before I could do this, I needed to let the videographer know I had left Jesus behind in the way many seek to find him. I was unsure they wanted my message on video as “promotion” of this program. 

It is through my own suffering of trying to “fit” or to answer the questions “right” that I have learned. During my previous theology degree, I was a bully, and hyper-focussed, soothing the pain with alcohol. While it was an internal struggle, most friends asked who knew me, never realized the internal chaos or to what degree I was drinking, I now hear, in Carol’s words, how my ripened spirit has burst forth in bloom. The suffering I endured was growth. Like the peony waiting in bud, in spring, to burst forth in bloom, I needed to suffer to soar. My growth was necessary to relieve the pain of suffering.

Carol goes on to write, (same page), “In fact, one is just as likely to become hard and bitter – one’s soul shriveling up like a withered apple  – should one refuse the invitation hardship issues to become vulnerable ….” Vulnerable …. Brené Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, and without vulnerability one cannot be fulfilled. We are invited to become vulnerable. With courage and bravery, you can turn around at the oldest of old you become and see the suffering you experienced and how many years you lost because you refused to allow any vulnerability. 

Vulnerability is not weakness it is fertilizer to ripen the spirit. Tonight is the full moon, with eclipse. We are in the light of the moon. Full and beautiful. The light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

The full moon is almost here…

March 12, 2025 Day 12 – Today, I reaped the benefits of my own changing landscape of the mind. Let me tell you about it! I was up and ready for my day and, each morning, I participate in a short meditation to set the tone. I have been consecutive with this for 303 days; the app tells me. Like money in the bank the more you have, or accumulate, the harder you work not to break the streak. My mother-in-law told me that once. When you begin to save money, watching it grow becomes important. 

As I was looking for the app, my muscle memory touched the gmail app and it opened. There was an email there waiting for my reply. I opened it and read it and then started to type! NOOOOOOOOO – exclaimed my soul, spirit, heart or the great divine voice. Let it rest. Let it go! Stay the course to your 303 day! The wind is in your sails and your jib is taut, and it is taunt, teasing you to push forward.

I stopped typing, backspaced and deleted. I set the email to “unread” and closed the app. I then opened the meditation app and set to choosing who would guide me today. I was so happy. I was happy that I can now catch myself on the fly across this ocean of life. I was happy that in my sailing along, I can tack a little and yet stay on course. 

Carol Orsborn writes (on page 17) of Older, Wiser, Fiercer, “When we are young, we need billowing sails because we have so many miles to go. I don’t need as much now – just as much as necessary. The slightest breeze can be more welcomed and appreciated in older age than the great blasts of energy we previously enjoyed.” The miles, (or in Canada kilometers), I needed to go in my youth or younger years were winds of stress, lack and personal interrogation. They were sent from a low pressure system that was lower than low, steeped in poor decisions and self-incrimination. 

The winds of my life today are light breezes that come from love of self. Joy in family and are stemming from a high that can only be found through personal review of purpose and meaning. 

Are your sails full?

Full of what?

Catch the breeze of self-care as the moon is full to capacity in the coming days. Heading to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

March 2025 Continues …

Day 4 – Got a call today that brought me joy and support. Joy in the realization that my choices have made a difference in someone else’s life. I no longer infuse myself into their world and make them deal with me. Took me into my third third to become comfortable enough in my own skin to be with myself long enough to love life without needing constant injections from others. I have come to love myself deeply and know I am worthy of this divine experience I have been granted. 

As I become more fierce with age, I am more confident in simply living. Today Carol Orsborn’s book Older, Wiser, Fiercer says (on page 43) “Like sandpaper: the abrasion of life has effected the removal of all but the essential.” And when realized what joy this essential can bring. 

The quote today is from Martin Buber.  “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” Oh and, when realized, when the sandpaper has done its work, the awareness is full sun.

Head to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

Day 5 – I remember years ago, late in the 80’s (because both my children were born) a man said to me, “women were not happy running the farm from the kitchen!” It was a statement that he truly believed, and, in his lifetime, it was most likely truth. What did that mean to a mixed up, young woman of 30 whose life was in shambles? It meant enough that I have carried it to this day. 

Today would be my mother’s 106 human birthday if she was still living. Others share this birthday, and I wished them well on this day. It caused me to think about this statement once again, wondering did my mother run the farm from the kitchen? The woman I knew in her human form was not the type to do so. It makes me wonder about feminine and masculine, the energy, not the gender. 

In Older, Wiser, Fiercer Carol Orsborn says, “Much of the tension of the world can be reduced to the battle between the feminine versus the masculine.” As I read this line from page 59, I think again, the energy not the gender. What is embodied when the masculine energy is leading the quest? Is it okay to let your feminine wiles be your guiding light? Oh the ying and the yang, the black and the white, the right and the wrong of it all. Can we run the farm from the kitchen regardless of our embodied gender? If we gathered around the table to break bread more often we could all run the farm together.

As the moon builds its way back to fullness, let it be a reminder we ebb and flow between many things and being fluid is what keeps us healthy. Head to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

Day 6 – In 1995 Gail Sheehy wrote “New Passages: Mapping your life across time”. I discovered she had originally written Passages in 1974 according to a quick web search. Maybe my next exploration will be to compare the original work with the new and see what she changed. That said, in the later book she writes about second adulthood being 45 – 85+ and, in her mapping tool, shows things like morality crisis, meaning crisis, male “menopause”, and pioneering in what she dubs as the ‘flaming fifties’. Then in the serene sixties she refers to mature love, active risk taking and growing the brain. 

Now I am in the middle of my sixties I relate to all of these, with passion. Painful passionate realization that Carol Orsborn is right when she says on page 65 of Older, Wiser, Fiercer, “The world is moving forward into the future, whether we like it or not. Our new generation of elders has lived the changes every day, year after year.” How true is that! I am living that! I can attest to that! 

As I work with older people than I, people the same age as I, and watch and learn from the upcoming generations I have a full range of emotions and observations from which to draw. It is challenging some days to not cave under all that I can see, watch and process. Like overload RAM in a computer, I need time to measure, file and place value on that which I am taking in. 

I am prompted to quote Carrie Bradshaw today and smile. She said, (from the movie, Sex in the City) – “Enjoy yourself … that’s what your 20’s are for ( reference booty call ). Your 30’s are to learn the lessons and your 40’s are to pay for the drinks.” I wonder as she ages, what she thinks the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s and active 80’s are for! 

Heading to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

March 2025 third third living

Daily reflections in March – finding the light of aging …. 

Day 1 – I am declaring March 2025 the month I reclaim my heart, soul and spirit. Each day I will post a quote or words from an author I enjoy and learn from. The theme is based on Carol Orsborn and her book Older, Wiser, Fiercer and her reclaiming of the phrase, “Now that I am old ….” 

The phrase is one of recognition and realization that the third third of life is rich and filled with wisdom and clarity that we are often robbed because of stereotypes and pressure. This is my quest as I turn toward the light of the full moon that will present itself in this equinox month. 

Balance with the earth this month, find your homeostasis, your balance and your equinox as we move into spring. Start with me, join me and comment alongside with me through this 31 days of reclamation! The light is evidence of divine love. 

Today’s Quote: 
Carol Orsborn (page 14, Older Wiser Fiercer) “I am freshly exposed at this new age and stage of life to be vulnerable as a child who has lost her innocence.” 

Head to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

breakingstibah.com

Day 2 – March is a month where we, here in Ontario begin to believe that spring may come. The weather can ebb and flow from sunny and above freezing and then plunge into the depths of frozen once again. Teasing us the equinox, March 21, reminds us there is a balance beyond the peaks and the valleys. 

Today’s quote is from page 30 of Older, Wiser, Fiercer where Carol says, “We experience ourselves to be at the peak of our knowledge and abilities, only to realize that we are masters of a world that no longer exists.” That is a true realization I have made in the past six months. Attending uni and watching the younger students prepare for their lives gaining knowledge and education, as I learn simply for the sake of learning, applying the learning to that lived experience. 

Contentment comes from letting go of our expectations. Letting go of our expectations comes with being older, wiser and fiercer in our being as we age. Now that I am older, and as I let go of expectations the contentment I am feeling is tremendous. 

Head to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

Day 3 – It’s Monday! Why does Monday always seem like a good place to start? My mother, based on an old wives’ tale, said one should never start a journey on a Friday. Why again that was said I have no idea. Yesterday, one of the younger students was standing at the stove watching it. I said, “you know a watched pot never boils.” She looked at me totally puzzled. I said, “It’s an old wives’ tale,” and that caused further confusion. Not only had she never heard the old adage, she did not know what an “old wives’ tale” was. So that seems like a good place to start. 

Carol Orsborn says (on page 40, Older, Wiser, Fiercer)  “Becoming one’s self is not as easy as it seems …” and goes on to say others make it look effortless. I wonder, do they? Are they really their one’s self? How do we know? Lillian Hellman is quoted (Page 55, William Bridges,Transistions) as saying “people change and forget to tell each other”. So that to me is the Monday of our lives, remembering we all start anew sometime. 

Is today your day to start anew? As I become more fierce with age, I am changing and I do not need to tell anyone, because the only one that matters is me. If, and when, I am kind, caring and productive, I am not responsible or required to tell anyone else and I can make becoming my best self as easy as I want, or as difficult. Often the finding of else and I can make becoming my best self as easy as I can. It’s Monday. Start today and then pretend every day is Monday and continue to start and start to continue. Head to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

Lining up the power

I have an older Electrolux canister vacuum cleaner. I have had it since my mom died in 2009 and we distributed the items from the house. Before that it was used in the 90’s as divine suction. It was used weekly to clean up the church. Mom and dad inherited it when the church closed in the 90’s sometime. I have cherished it as well as using it regularly. Most recently the power head stopped working. I tried everything.

I had replaced the hose a few years ago and when I did the vacuum specialist told me this vacuum was a gem and to take good care of it as I would never in my lifetime find another as good. His words, “they don’t make them like they used to!” So when the power head stopped working I felt it could not be the hose because that piece is fairly new.

This vacuum has multiple points of power plugging in here and there along the hose. I test and tried every combination. I could not get it to work. Jim, the maintenance person for this building was working with a couple of people and I asked if any of them had a tester and explained my dilemma. The one fella said he had one in the truck and would go and get it. My plan was to test from the wall to the powerhead to see where the breakdown was.

As the fella went to his truck I gave it one more try. I plugged everything in and with hope turned it on. The power head remained quiet and unproductive. Then I noticed a small switch on the top. I toggled it and the powerhead started up! I was astonished because I thought I had tried every which way of on’s and off’s with all the switches. Obviously, I missed one combination.

It taught me a valuable lesson yet again. There may still be one way, one combination that will make things right. Never give up the quest, or in this case, never give up on divine suction, its present always one just needs to get the flow right.