#breakingstibah

What AM I learning?

When one goes to university one expects to learn. However, where and what do you learn? It is here I am discovering so much about myself and this question. Let’s see if I can share what I mean. Each morning I spend time meditating before I get out of bed. I use an app on my phone and pick a morning meditation and listen while still laying in my bed. It sets the tone for my day. I have been doing so for well over a year now, almost going on two years. It has been one of the things that has shifted my thinking.

Today I was introduced to Tony Brady – Life of Mindfulness and discovered he is in Dublin, Ireland. I am going there in April so hope to meet him and connect with him. He further introduced me, through this meditation, to Mary Oliver, a poet. Here is one of her pieces.

This poem spoke loudly to me today as I am studying this masters degree here in Waterloo. As I ask myself, “what am I learning?” in the doldrums of winter cold and the dreary landscape, this poem helps me to revisit my thinking and my view on life. What am I learning? I am learning about myself. I am learning what I want and what I do not want. I am learning how to say no and how to say yes to my own heart and soul.

In the early stages of the my third third of life I am gaining momentum and becoming stronger and stronger in my aging. Spiritual Living is key to my self care and I am hungry to grow with others in this area. One of the greatest learnings I have gleaned since September is how once again my heart’s desire can be derailed and stifled. University ethos can be myopic, and lack in a greater vision. With the current landscape of cuts, and potential financial struggles for university enrolment, we must remember the basic understanding of anything is “follow the money”. While learning is the main focus of university their bottom line is also kept on par with this learning focus. The other observation must be what are they teaching?

This beautiful poem by Mary Oliver opens asking “Who made the world?” Depending on learning the response to this question is wide and varied. This is an area where I have felt stifled in the past few months. Not because there is lack of open dialogue in the classroom or in the teaching but in the ethos of the program and that is where I do not fit. In Mary Oliver’s poem she asks, “doesn’t everything die at last?” and while she says too soon, sometimes things do not die fast enough. I am learning I must take a stand on my spiritual journey and let go of trying to keep my feet in two camps. The traditional Christian message needs to be let go. While we focus on the death and resurrection of Jesus we are relentless in letting go of traditional patriarchal Christianity. Studying theology in a Christian ethos or through a Christian lens makes no sense to me.

I used the analogy recently how when you study psychology, if you are to study it only using cognitive behavioural therapy you would be restricted in your learning. So as we study theology we must study from a genre using various ways of seeing who made the world as Mary Oliver asks.

It is heart month and February is a time when we look to the depths of soul and I invite you to spiritually dig deeply into the corners of your own life. Dig out the cobwebs that have developed in the darkness of winter and begin the process of waking up the seeds of new vision. We are heading toward the light of spring equinox when the tipping of the earth means new life, new growth and fresh perspectives.

Birthdays

I must admit, I needed to pull up a January 2018 calendar to check the dates. The dates I am checking on is my sobriety birthday. Is there joy in the fact I have lost track of the actual date? I love that! I love the fact that I must revisit a monthly calendar to exactly realize once again those few days. The interesting part is the realization it was not just those few days, it was the journey I am celebrating.

This week I launched the first class of a “generative aging” group. The joy I felt, as I looked upon the faces of those choosing to participate in this journey through life, was so great I almost couldn’t contain it. Aging is a journey. A journey that starts at conception. A journey that takes some a century to complete. A journey that also can be cut short. A pilgrimage through the human existence on this earth. The faces of those participating are varied and all bring much wisdom to our video table.

January holds a date that many of my family may forget. My brother’s birthday as he was born January 3, 1949. Then he died in July of 1973, only two weeks after my mother’s father. That was a dark year for my mother. It came on the grief of May 15, 1946 when my sister was born only to die 18 months later with “water on the brain”, a condition today that can be managed, but then, 1946, was a death sentence. February 4 is the birthday of my youngest brother, born 1954, and died in 2011 at 56 from a heart attack. These dates all mean something if noted and marked.

I want to say my need to look up the date of my sobriety birthday feels good. While I bask daily in this birthday, I really do not need to mark it specifically unless I choose to re-member, or re-assemble, the momentary increments of time. While I can name these dates of the births and deaths of those above, I do not dread, nor do I set myself up to honour or mourn them. I make the choice to let them go into the whirlpool of that which is memory. The ebb and flow of memory allows me to recall and then let go again without holding on to the grief that could be attached.

Part of the generative aging mandate will be to allow grief to ebb and flow, seeing in our aging wisdom we accumulate so many memories. Some joy filled and others painful. That is the pilgrimage …. to walk along our lives caring, sharing and pull together all that there is to re-member, while choosing to live with joy and hope.

Today is my sobriety birthday. I was 58 years old before I let go of that monkey on my back. I drank for over 40 years and I could drown myself in the memories of the past that are unsavoury or I can soar with the eagles in the memories of the journey from that drowning to the new life realized, finally, in my birth on January 29, 2018.

May you choose also to soar, to be free and to generatively bring forward the wisdom of your past. If you need help reach out, tell me your story, I would love to hear it and help you along the road. My cup runneth over with joy, is yours?

What I learn from knitting …

I met a woman and she was wearing the most beautiful knitted vest. I complimented her and she had made it herself. We talked and she airdropped the pattern to me via our iPhones while standing in the coffee shop. Two women – both in the third/third ** of life dropping files and using our iPhones to great advantage. I remember walking into my friends home one day and there at the table were three people, all well in their decade of the 80’s working between their computers and phones to share information. What can we learn from day-to-day things? Anyway, I digress this blog is about what I learned from knitting …

I came home and pulled up the pattern the woman had given me. It was a pattern I could follow and knew the stitches so I went and purchased the yarn. I have discovered my drug of choice is now yarn. In this, the month of my sobriety date, January 28, it is often a time when I reflect on the days I consumed alcohol. Scary memories, much shame, challenges living with myself and an abundance of reflection. As I pulled out my little pocket AA booklet today and read again the 12-steps and some excerpts from the Big Book and the list of “just for today”s I am reminded that stitch by stitch things get completed. Again, I digress, what do I learn from knitting ….

I came back to my room and set about beginning to knit the vest from the pattern. Calling for a ribbed bottom, like all sweaters, I knit away and watched my favourite program. Then the challenges began. I followed the pattern and back and forth from panel A to panel B to panel C and repeating from * to ** then to repeat once again, I had more stitch markers than stitches. It was exhausting, this pattern, hard to follow and even harder to imagine. I completed three rows back and forth and promptly decided this pattern was more work than it is worth. I have knit beautiful items and certainly did not feel the stress of this pattern. I found it added complicated elements that are unnecessary to the overall piece. Then I realized this is what I learn from knitting, do we add complicated elements to our lives that are unnecessary to the overall piece? I think we do!

This past week was a doozy for me! So much going on in my life that I was unsure which way was up! What I had set in motion culminated into chaos and then there was a sprinkling of real life added in. In the chaos, I was asked to step up one more step into complete disarray and confusion. Like my knitted row I had more markers than stitches. Time came to rip it back! Let it go and start again. What is not serving and what must be allowed to fall away? I learn so much from knitting and one sure thing is while you can rip out the rows of knitting and they no longer exist, life is not like that. We can reset and we can start again each new day, however, the memories and effects from our actions are always present. Self-forgiveness is not so easy as ripping out a row of knitting and having a re-do.

So I let go, let go of that which does not serve me and I let go of those places where I was asking too much of myself and here I stand to begin a new week with a fresh outlook and poised to pick up where the chaos train dropped me off. This master’s degree studying reminds me so much of the video by Reba McIntyre when she sings, Is there life out there? In the video she gets a paper back and the professor says, “I could have done without the coffee stains!” and she says, “I learned more from the coffee stains than I did from the paper!”

I am learning in my my third/third of life ** that my knitting, my hiking, my family and my own reflection are teachers …. alongside my student roommates in student housing, the younger ones in class and, of course, the ancient text I am reading, yet again! Who could ask for better than that?

** Like knitting one must watch for the asterisks. Here I take you to a resource I am sharing with a class on video over the next few weeks. I invite you to come along with us for the journey. It is an amazing resource and I am excited to be sharing it. If you come along, you will be helping me with my supervised education experience and gaining yet another credit towards my masters. All ages are welcome who are interested in learning about aging well.

When you move on….

Grief and loss are a huge challenge in our lives and strikes us from tip to tail. Dealing with emotions is a natural way we live and, while being a huge challenge, they are all part of living a full life and being experiential. Being present to every part of our living is how we transition through joy, happiness, grief, loss, and trauma.

Trauma stops the journey and causes a whirlpool effect. When we suffer any experience that creates trauma in our lives it is a place where we must be present and allow processing in order to heal and move on.

This January, after seven years, I realize I have not given thought to the anniversary of my last drink. I also passed January 6 this year, without thought, which would have been the 46th anniversary of my marriage should I still be in it. August represents the 20th death anniversary of my father. I have found I must stop and really think about the date anymore. For me these are moments of trauma, being accumulative (40 years of drinking, stopped) and 89 years of my father’s physical presence in my life. Some people suffer a moment of shock where one cannot believe that something just happened. The sudden death of a family member or an accident that changes your life. Any trauma stops the spiritual journey and requires attention and strength of character to step into the pain, suffering and wounds to manage them and begin to let them go.

The question is “how long will you hold on to the pain?” Like a whirlpool, the river will continue to circle in this place unless the under ground is disturbed. Such hard work and yet doable if you are invested in doing the ground work.

Much of our ancient text and scriptures are the spiritual journey on fire. They are wonderful resources and ways of better understanding our consciousness shift as we move into this era. Let’s look at them differently. Let’s explore them as growth texts and hear them in a new and different way.

Enticing? I think so … that is my study! Questions? Hit me up! Let’s find the journey together.

Spiritual Gerontology

There’s a movement underway to treat the mind body and spirit of our seniors and it is called “spiritual gerontology”. Spirituality being our path to sacred wholeness, being religious or secular and gerontology is the study of aging.

This growing awareness in aging is productive and healthy. Cynthia Breadner, a master’s student, is focussing on this work as she independently cares for those in long term care and retirement. Cynthia has formulated a discussion group to educate and create awareness around the third trimester of life. She finds it helpful for those beyond 50 years to begin to look at their own aging journey. You are invited to join this discussion as she presents it in various ways.

Aging well, with purpose, is possible and breaks down stereotypes and awareness of our own aging will change the current conversation about aging. She is offering online group discussion, one day workshops, and has created a 6-week study group. If you are interested in learning more, joining the discussion or you simply have questions about your own aging journey feel free to contact her. She is welcoming, warm and delighted to speak to anyone and answer any questions. There are no costs or hidden fees.

2025 is a few hours away!

December 23

Today is the second to last day of the Santa visit. Tomorrow anticipation will climax as children around the world wait with anticipation, go to bed and find it hard to sleep, wonder what will happen over night. The magic of a man, in a red suit, now destined to bring toys, gifts and what has been packaged and materialized as “joy”. Is it really tho’?

I have seen people begging and pleading for people not to promise children they will get certain gifts from “Santa”. This set up is certainly not “joyful” for parents. Many people are trying to afford housing and food right now without the promise of astronomical gifts under a tree Christmas morning. Material Christmas has gotten out of hand.

I was reminded recently by a 97 year old man, the story of St. Nicholas, who gave gifts to those who could not afford to buy. He was not magic, nor was he a myth, he was a person who gave silently and in the quiet and, like Jesus, sure did not expect his good intentions would grow to be what it is in 2024.

Today as I meet a friend for a coffee and spend a little time in community, where two are gathered, knowing the spirit is with us. We will laugh, enjoy time together and eat something decadent. This, for me, is Christmas. I love the togetherness of this time. I am also growing is appreciation for the season as well.

Being seven-years sober, I have been on a journey to build back joy in celebrations. For many years it was a place for me to drink. I had trouble remembering Christmas without alcohol and now, this 8th Christmas without alcohol I am beginning to enjoy this time of year again.

Christmas is a materialistic, giving time of year. It is no longer solely a time of year for the Christian tradition. All religions celebrate some form of Christmas. I remember a customer telling me about “Chris-ma-ka” which is her family’s way of together for Hannakah and Christmas, being they had both religions in their home. I have watched while young children wearing a hijab gleefully shop for a Christmas present to donate to the mountain of toy or Salvation Army toy drive. We are all in this season together, whatever the choices we make.

That said, choose love and care. Take it to the limits instead of your credit card!

Generative Aging

The Change of Year is upon us soon and as we shift focus from 2024 to 2025 it is being realized we are ¼ of the way through this century. Remember Y2K? Do you realize babies born in the year 2000 are now 25 years old? Time marches on at a speed by which we cannot fathom if we are to really pay attention to it. What does it mean to “pay attention”? We pay in many ways …. we pay with our souls, our hearts, our pocketbook and our health. I have been watching a “Tums” commercial recently that has an ice cream Sunday with a Tums on top, like a cherry, and it says something like treat yourself then treat your discomfort with Tums. Does that not disturb and insult your decision making?

I am the broom in the boomer story. The party has been happening and the first cohorts are well into the throes of challenging our system to satisfy their needs and I am the broom sweeping along behind picking up the leftovers. At 65 years old I will be the recipient of the research and I will be left to deal with the hangovers.

One of the discoveries and changes I have been watching is how religion is falling away so quickly in Canada that now is the time to sweep away all the debris of false doctrine and see if God is left behind anywhere in the castoffs of history. Most recently in my studies I was called to task because I chose psychological resources for a paper instead of Christian theological ones; I am immersed in a theology degree after all. It is funny how tossing a question can change your perspective.

I went searching today for Reginald Bibby, a well known Canadian scholar, academic and sociologist who has spent the last 50 years collecting data and tracking social trends. One of his foci is the religious landscape. I was introduced to his work in 2007 when I was studying gerontology with Dr. Brenda Elias and have been depending on his work ever since.

One of his areas of study is how spirituality is on the rise while religion is on the decline. Slam dunk! I love it! The question is do you know what it means to age well as you get in touch with your spirituality as a broom sweeping boomer? Are you watching as the older olds are spoon fed, Hoyer-lifted and bingo’d in their aging years? Do you want to do your third trimester differently?

I want to help! I want to teach! I want to share what an undergraduate degree and two masters have taught me since I turned 50. I want to share and grow your desire to do better and be better in the third third of your life.

I am looking for 50+ adults who would be interested in helping me gather data and to participate in a 6-week study called “Generative Aging”. It has Christian essence that I hope to pull out of the resource and I need your help. I need your input.

Interested? This is academic research and it will begin in 2025. Are you ready to implement change in your life, build your next chapter and take charge of your aging? There is no charge, no fee and no loss here. Come with me and grow!

Screen shot from:

http://reginaldbibby.com/projectcanada2020.html

Moments in Time

As our children grow and become young adults, then parents themselves, there are moments of beauty that surface. My Shane was always an inquisitive sort. He loved to tear things down and see how they worked. I remember helping him carry a piece of equipment down to the basement, when he was about 11 years old, and he knew enough to exhaust it outside and none of us died!

He would have been medicated had I let those who felt he was a challenge. He had one teacher who was so kind with him and negotiated with him when it was time for him to talk and when it was time for her to talk. She allowed him to be who he was and he blossomed under her teaching.

He now has babies and young adults in his own life. He has the chance now to care for the budding growth of little minds. Just today he wrote me this note:

There was a day in history I’ll never forget. It set me on a path of discovery that I think drove me to become better and more observant. We were in the sewing machine (this was what we called out little car) . There was a MADD ribbon on your antenna that was located just above the drivers door. The ribbon was poking in the inside of the door. I asked “mum is the ribbon stuck in your door or is it stuck in the window..?”
You said “idk honey why?”
I said ” ’cause if it’s in your door we’re safe. But if it’s stuck in the window you will rip the antenna off the roof when you open your door” 😂
Your reaction was great. Praised me for my good observation saying “I never would have thought of that”and you played along. You slowed down and said “let’s check”

Opened your door.

Turns out it was only stuck in the door. It was like a science experiment to me lol.

I realized that day I have a good eye for certain things. I should embrace those things and build off them. Now I am a good diagnostician and have a keen eye for future problems. I look ahead more and more as I age.

It warmed my heart how something I did helped him to believe in himself. We never know when we influence another! Remember that, and hopefully it will not be 30 years later before you learn the beauty of your attention!

Gratitude

The sun is shining this morning after a very clear sky night! I was up about 2:30 and truly was amazed at the shadows in the yard. The moon was so bright once again, as it can be when the sky is clear of clouds, and it always stops to cause me ponder.

I stood in the room and gazed out of the window into the night. I could see the yard and the trees and the lawn. In wonder, I pondered the clarity of Mother Nature in this moment. I raised the gratitude scale quite significantly.

I purchased one of the Inverness Marathon pictures of myself as I was coming into the finish! I want to create a shadowbox with the finisher medal and shirt when I get them. They could not be presented at the finish line because of war somewhere in the world I believe. Because of unrest someplace, somewhere, the container that was carrying the medals and t-shirts was held up. The ripple effect.

We think what goes on other places has nothing to do with us until it does. I am just finishing a book, an audiobook, called “The Nightingale” and it accounts, what I am sure is a fictional story of a woman who aided and helped a plethora of people survive and escape during WWII. Her sister hid and helped 19 Jewish children be hidden with the help of people forging papers and a nun who was willing to risk herself and the safety of the whole convent. I cry. I cry each time I read these books and think to myself, “why am I putting myself through this?”

I know the answer. I read and listen because I MUST remember what that war was like. The terrible way humans treated other humans during those years. The millions of people herded and so sadly extinguished and disposed. I must put myself in the discomfort of hearing the words read if only to slightly feel something, a minute fingernail of pain in comparison. I MUST so I can somehow be a bit of light in the world for anyone who needs to be supported and cared for in their pain.

I do not care about the finisher medal or the t-shirt, what I care about is the picture. The flag proudly worn on my back to reveal I am from a country that cares for humanity and opens our doors to those who are struggling in these countries where humans are still treating other humans in inhumane ways.

Last night, in the silence of the night, I was thankful to what I refer to as “God”. The great equalizer called Mother Nature and Father Sky; the great Divine energy that holds us circling the sun and holds the moon in place for us to see every month, if the clouds allow. When it is bright and shining I am grateful there are no clouds, knowing next month it could be obscured and hidden from my view. So in the moment I am grateful.

I am grateful for my coffee, for my life and for the moon’s bright hope in the light it sheds. I am grateful for my family and my car and the fact I can go to work and run each day. I am grateful I am a Canadian, an Irish Canadian whose ancestors fought the fight to come to this country and set up roots.

I am hopeful our world may begin to reap the benefits of my vision, mission and values as I send out light and love. Can you also join me? This Easter week, this major Christian celebration week, turn it into something you can grasp. Hear the story that even when something bad happens, death occurs we can rise again to be a message of hope and connection. Let’s resurrect goodness, love and joy. We can do it, together, we can do it!