Where does time collapse into? Whether I think about something from 62 years ago, in 1963 like my sister’s wedding where I was a flower girl at four years old, or my thoughts about yesterday’s hike in the woods, where do these memories go for me to then recollect them later? I find that so puzzling.
My sister asked me if I remembered the weather that day was like it is now, very hot! I said no if I didn’t have the picture and others telling me it has faded into a place where I cannot recall it. I do have a tiny memory of a small room in the church maybe … but nothing concrete. It was a long time ago and far, far away!
Today I opened a book I have carried with me for almost 20 years. I have never cracked the spine. I purchased it in about 2007 and have simply carried it with me through all my moves, my education, my life, my journey and yet never read it. Today it was calling to me to be opened and read. It is perfect for NOW. I am absorbed in the first few pages simply wondering why I have not opened it before. I have no answer.
The author’s words are like Cupid’s arrows to my heart. Love queries of my soul! Inviting and challenging at the same time. I have been struggling with a feeling I call “dread”. It is an emotion that washes over me each time I prepare to go to an event, any event. I struggle with it and need to push past it in order to get myself out the door. The ego wins, because it is tenacious, however, the dread resurfaces each time I prepare to go out. My daughter suffers as well, so I wonder is it something I have steeped her in? Is it an element of my sobriety that I am now needing to tease out from my soul? Tell me more, I asked in a journaling moment, please tell me more about what it is you want. I think this book is the soul’s answer to my question.
Am I enough? We all ask this question.
The dread is the remnants of over 60 years of being who I think the world wants me to be. Not my authentic self. I witnessed this transition in the four weeks of “dusting off my fitness knowledge”. As I lead the class the dread made itself clear. My soul verified to my ego, it is time to be authentic and real. How freeing this has been.
Today, as I head out into the sunshine I have a new crack in my vessel where the light is getting into my spirit and inviting it to meet up with this seeking self. Show thyself? Is that biblical? I do not know or care … but as the colours of the leaves remind me that vivid colour too must fall and recycle back to the beginning. Winter is coming a time to see what seeds have been planted and what just might grow in the next season!
#breakingstibah 