Over the last couple of days I have had a couple things happen that is testing my memory. I often wonder, do we have a bucket in our memory that gets so full that memories just spill over and get lost? It scares me, just because the first place we go is into the worry of an aging memory disease. When we are younger and forget or fail to remember doing something we laugh it off and blame it on everything else. As we get into the third third fear sets in.
I have days that are mired in alcohol and blame some of my lack of memory on that. I have dry eyes and there was a time I was ashamed of having dry eyes because I blamed it on dehydration due to drinking to excess. So I suffered in silence. I understand shame. I have days were I simply cannot remember doing something significant, or my children remind me of something we did when they were young and I cannot remember doing it. Again, it scares me. Am I heading toward a time where I will forget?
I’m watching a set of videos this morning and as I watched, one I loved from my younger years was square, indication it was before the shift in television screens. I listen to music now that is making its retro reboot and it was first listened to when I was in my thirties. Again, it scares me.
My children are both now into relationships that have surpassed my time in any one relationship and I have realized I am useless to them if they need advice. Mom, I have the seven year itch! Do you I wouldn’t know. Mom, we need to remortgage! Really, I wouldn’t know. Mom, what do you get for a partner you have been with for over 10 years? I don’t know. Again, it scares me.
I was reading today and found this and wonder does love span the generations when the older generation feel they have nothing left to offer? When does life shift from us taking care of our children and them taking care of us; soothing our stress, our fears and simply not telling what will cause us worry. This does not scare me because I have prepared both my kids to live a good and strong life.
My soul is seeking to be a peace. I look into the older olds and spend time helping them soothe their fears. That is not our children’s job. Our children need to see us as never being afraid. They need to be able to let us go. That comes with discussions around end of life and dying with peace and dignity, not stress and worry. Behind every set of eyes is a soul at work. Where is that soul in its life’s journey? If it is close to the end then let it be at peace.
Somewhere in ancient text it says, “be not afraid!” That is what I am working on right now. How can I soothe these fears I have? What do I need to do to bring peace to myself? I cannot make it the job of others to calm my own heart. I see too often how children put their stress onto their parents. When that happens I am learning to let it go.
This said, when I forget something, I will not let it cause me fear.
When I am nostalgic I will embrace it and laugh how times have changed. Let go of the fear.
As my children suffer the midlife stresses, I will remember I survived and I coped. They will too because I have taught them well.
I am ready for whenever the end comes. Not that I wish it sooner, I am in no rush, however this readiness allows me to live more freely in my third third and let go of that which I cannot change or fix. I live for me, for my time left and do it with hope the world is a forgiving place.
Photo reference: Love your Life to Death – Yvonne Heath page 15 ISBN 978-0-9947896-0-0
