Get to ….

Today I got to take out the garbage! Can you imagine?! I tied up the bag, grabbed my keys, put on my flip flops (in my day they were called “thongs” but don’t call them that now or the younger gen will be rolling on the floor laughing that you put a “thong” on your foot!), then I went out and walked down three flights of stairs, across the parking lot and placed the bag of garbage in the dumpster. Do you know how many people would LOVE to do that? Wow how lucky am I?

Yesterday, I got to run 5 kms in the forest listening to the birds, watching for bears, and I don’t mean Paddington Bear, the real thing. Bears that will rip my limbs off. Tear at my flesh…. well not really, they are more frightened of me than I am of them, unless I have a sandwich in my hand and then they might maul me for it! I got to meet new friends again, people who welcomed me and were happy I was there.

Later today, I get to read through a paper that must be submitted by the 12th as the last piece to a course I took this summer called “spiritually integrated psychotherapy”. I got to learn at the hand of a practicing compassionate therapist who loves his work and is curious about people in their hard work of finding their way through life. I got to study, learn and glean from a class of people from the age of 20 to my ripe old age of 65. It was there, in the hands of their stories I got to see we are all people on a journey of human experience seeking to find our way.

Grief can rob us of the joy of “getting” to live on. Grief stagnates the ego in the lost love of life and unless we learn what else we can love so the soul can get on with this human experience. When we suffer losses it is fine to grieve, necessary to grieve and important to honour and push through the pain. When we love we get to grieve. It is a natural process.

What are you grieving that you have not pushed through to the get yet?
Are you stagnated in loss so consuming you have forgotten you get to live on while what you lost is gone?

As the rain washes the land, let the process of grieving wash your soul. Tie up the garbage bag and allow yourself to get it to the bin. Let it go while holding on to the love. That is the beauty we get to keep the memories, keep the love! It’s a precarious balance between grief and living.

#breakingstibah
#thirdthird
#griefjourney
#SootheYourSoul

Soothe your soul

Soothing your grief begins with the recognition that grief is part of life and when we fight grievances we simply make ourselves sick. Sick of life, sick of trying, sick of holding on and, YES, physically sick. Much of our physical illness is brought on because we do not know how to process grief and loss in life.

It is important we hold space for all emotions. Whether it is sadness, pain, elation, joy, anger, hope, frustration or any emotion that surfaces, holding space to allow it to process is so helpful.

In spiritual practice, I sit with others as they hold space for themselves. Part of my work is to keep them anchored in the moment to allow all the feelings to be recognized and witnessed. In our spiritualness, our soul journey, the ego gets in the way of the quieter voice of the spirit. Like two children in school, one acting out and the other quietly suffering, the loudest gets the attention because they disrupt the status quo. The ability for the classroom (your body) to function. The ego answers society, judgement and the world around you … the soul or the spirit answers your heart. The ego will win if you let it.

We are all free to disregard the spiritual dimension of our lives and chalk it up to not being religious. We are also free to think of the spiritual dimension of life as “woo-woo” or something for the hippies of the 70’s. We are also free to realized we are spiritual beings simply because we have a soul and an ego that battle it out in this human existence.

I believe every person is made in the image of perfect love. Love that is all around us and grows trees, keeps the earth on her axis, the sun in the galaxy and allows me to see and appreciate a beautiful flower. I believe every person can heal and walk the journey of a healthy spirit.

Questions? You only need to ask! I am here.

#breakingstibah
#SoulfulLiving
#spiritualsoothing

Wanting a cookie

I think this meme speaks volumes when it comes to survival of grief waves. What does it feel like when you read this. The writer says they need to go lay down. I get that. It is the same when a person begins to realize they have children who will turn 40 soon. Grandchild that is almost driving a car and I am now a pensioner. These are all life’s journey that can cause us to be stuck!

Grief is a process we manage everyday. I often use the example of a child asking for a cookie right before dinner!

Mom says no!

Child can’t believe it! (denial)

Throws a tandrum! (angry)

Says they will be good! (bargaining)

Cries! (leverage, haha manipulation or sadness, loosely depression)

Goes back to playing (new life, acceptance and hope)

This is a simplified version and helps when we can realize the same steps happen in our lives to different degrees. While denying a child a cookie is very different to the loss of that child through death or estrangement it is still a process that we must look at with an open heart! I can help! I can walk this process with you!

You simply need to ask.

#breakingstibah

#spiritualsoothing

#griefjourney

The Next Adventure

Shane (my son) said to me, “Mom you said you were NEVER going to do another solo hike, when you were in Ireland.” I said, “One learning as we age is NEVER say NEVER!” Funny how in the throes of adventure the lows can make you say things you really do not mean. Being in the stress of loneliness or weariness one abandons all of it. All the adventure. It is only when the trip is complete and you can look back and see that, is the lesson learned.

I am beginning to think about “what’s next?” and am formulating a plan. I am not going to give it away yet as the views of my Ireland journey are still just beginning, telling me it is still fresh in my mind. I also have just secured my apartment (I think) in Elliot Lake so my summer will be taken up getting organized in my new home and deciding about school in the fall. My life is never simple, that is for sure. However, it is how I choose to live. Change and flux seem to be my fodder.

Watching the triplets, three babies all born almost within a year, makes me smile. They explore and express themselves and they are never bored. They have not yet discovered the human construction of boredom. They simply exist and live their lives with one ingrained intuition. To simply move and live. They squawk when they are hungry, pee and poop in the moment, touch everything they can and push the limits. When do we lose that ability? What is it that causes adults to squash these qualities out of us?

I have now spent almost a year on the campus in grad housing, another experience I can record in my journal of life. Watching younger students has been interesting. As a more mature student I have a different view, my nut tree has more nuts in it, and I have more past to draw from. Pondering at its best.

Today is the birthday of a cousin I have not seen in years. My memories of our playtime in the past are clear. I remember one morning on the farm her waking with a swollen eye from a mosquito bite and when she put on her glasses the swelling touched the lens. She could not see out of that eye. We played anyway. So as I move forward into the next adventure while I might not be able to see, I will play anyway, and know that my vision will clear as time goes on. One valuable lesson I have learned is when we allow our vision to be revealed wonderful things happen. It is in the stress of the waiting we struggle, hence the “NEVERs” seem to creep in. May you ponder your “NEVERs” well and prayerfully give them a chance to fall away.

Where is the month going?

Day 25 – It feels like I missed day 24 … missed it all together. I woke up and the day got away and, before I knew it, I was in bed at the end of it. I did produce a video yesterday. A video of my weekend in Niagara Falls Canada (of course, lol). I love Canada, I am Canadian, and while having Irish blood deep in my DNA (immigration of grandfolks in 1823 or so) I believe I am Canadian. Niagara Falls has been part of my life for years. 

I remember going there with my sister and her husband. I think maybe their first born was there, but I am unsure. They were married in 1963 and first born was not here until 1968. I would have been nine. I remember a helicopter ride that I did not go up in, but they did. I cannot remember the details, just remember being at Niagara Falls, so many years ago. I remember being there with my folks too. I remember being lost in flowers, just the fleeting memory of it. 

I remember a funeral when I was very small. I remember many funerals. There was an uncle, husband to my mom’s sister, who died. A neighbour. My brother, grandparents. Then I remember my aunt’s “friend” who shared her life after that. Never married, something no one talked about. I remember travelling to the east coast the summer my brother and my grandfather died. I cannot remember if it was before they died or after. I was 13 years old. I remember telling my mother about my divorce. I remember my cousin waking up with an eye so swollen she could not put on her glasses and no one knowing what caused it. I remember…

Carol Orsborn writes, on page 150, of Older, Wiser, Fiercer, “Another of the great gifts of age is that perceptions – even cherished ones – can seemingly change in a flash.” It is never too late to have a happy childhood or find happy memories from the past. Our memory is just that, our memory, and we choose what to keep near and dear to our heart and it can be pain or beauty. In this reflection she speaks of a field of love where we return. In our aging selves we can look differently upon memories as we look differently upon our lives. She further writes, “The external world may not ever change its storyline, but you are now free to cease preoccupying yourself with all the apparently unloving stuff…..” 

The day got away yesterday and while the RV did not pan out, nor was it worth the drive, the few minutes with my toddler granddaughter was more than worth any lapse in the day. Her smile, her tiny hand holding my finger as we walked in circles … and her wee small voice saying, “Hi Gamma” …. Be still, my heart, and know …. Divinity is about two feet tall and carries within the “wee small voice” of God!

 As the moon wanes to darkness, we tremble in gratefulness to know the moon shine again …. the ebb and flow of the tide and the light. Women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#carolorsborn

#spiritualpractices

Moving time once again….

Day 22 – It’s raining today! I love rain. Especially in the spring when the grime and dirt of winter are hanging on to the surface. When the piles of snow are a bit dreary with sand and muck. The rain cleanses and gently washes away the last remnants of winter.

I make coffee and put on the nature sounds through my speaker from a recording. Here where I have been, there are no nature sounds, with exception of squawking geese. I think the huge number of geese here has totally annihilated any other animals that might like to live here.

Today, I am heading to Niagara Falls to hike the gorge. It is a 7.5 km hike with the Niagara Hiking Group. It will be led and I will follow. I usually hike alone. Walk alone. Move alone. Live alone. To be with others is not my norm. That is one reason I want to move to Elliot Lake, to be in community with others. My own cohort, give or take a decade. Be able to join groups and share myself with others. It’s been my dream for a while now …. And now it is here, time to make the move, I wonder, is there another plan?

One of my pictures today, is the drawing my grandson made for me as he rode along in the backseat alongside my belongings when I moved here. It lives with the cutting of a plan my mother had since the 70’s. Both remind me of life’s journey.

Can it really be seven months since I came here? Some days feels like forever and others a millisecond. I’ve been offered the opportunity to break my lease and sublet for the four remaining months. That means moving in three weeks. Am I ready? Can I do that? With my Ireland Hiking plans the last two weeks of April, it means I must move fast. I have three papers that I need to do. Wrap up the semester and find a place to roost along the way. Is this how the birds that migrate feel? Come on Martha, it’s time.

One of the constants of my life are my bears. They have been with me for a long time. So I explained to them this morning, the time has come once again, family, we are diggin’ up stakes. Carol Orsborn writes, in Older, Wiser, Fiercer, on page 112, “What courage it takes to jump off the edge of who we once thought we were and plunge headfirst into the shadows.” Am I courageous? Am I brave? Or am I simply crazy, impetuous and hungry for adventure? Either way, I love it!

The light of the moon is waning as journey to darkness, however, like the moon our faces will shine again …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

#SpiritualPractice

@carolorsborn

Are you fired up or down or in or out?

Day 21 – Today’s reading in Older, Wiser, Fiercer is one that I would love to put up for all to read, because there is so much in it that I relate, I’m finding it difficult to whittle it down to a quote or two! As I lay in bed this morning thinking about my day and sharing a few moments with meditation, I was overcome with a peace and happiness that I know to be true. That is new for me, as these past few months, here at school, has seeded a great self-understanding. A personal knowing that is deep and connected.

Carol opens “This Patch”, on page 126 with these words, “One of the greatest gifts of later life is that we can grow to become not nearly as fascinated with our original wounds as we used to be.” I wanted to shout, (or add), “…. And grow to let go of our mistakes!”

I went to university for the first time at 47 years old. I had “plans” and the one-song I travel along trusting, laughed! I was haughty, arrogant and stubborn. Like the potter and the clay story, over the years, I have been molded and nuanced. Just this week a classmate shared how she had recently completed a pottery class and her greatest takeaway is no matter how many times the vessel is messed up, you can always start with it again.

That is the beauty of aging. At some point you no longer want to be “kilned”. Is that a word? What I mean by that, is in my aging I now realize when I am put through the fire the last time I am finished. So while I do not know the process of pottery working intimately, I think there are two fires. If I could, I would miss the fire altogether but I think we need to be fired a little. I want to stay in the hands of that which is molding me, making me, and maneuvering me, trusting in the process and not worrying about the outcome, or what I will be in the end.

Carol further writes, in this wee chapter, “ … there comes a time when the sheer magnitude of who you really are and what you have made of your life can no longer be circumscribed by the size of your story. You arrive at last into the realm of the awakened elder ….. “ (buy the book to finish the sentence!)

I am at peace.

I am content.

I am full of positive life energy…

I am …. that!

After the full light of the moon, we begin the journey back to darkness …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre.

#breakingstibah

#olderwiserfiercer

#SpiritualPractice

@carolorsborn

Two days in one

Day 14 – We have reached the fullness of the March 2025 equinox moon. Not only have we reached this regular monthly cycle, but we were gifted with an eclipse. A full eclipse where the moon took on a beautiful, shadowed hue. A rusty coloured silhouette in the sky through the night last night. Did you get up and look? I did. I went outside actually and stood barefoot in the grass. 

I found myself being pulled a little one way and other, like when standing in chest deep water. It was beautiful. I can’t say it was peaceful because I am on a university campus in the middle of the city. There were younger people all around me at 2:30 AM walking talking and viewing the moon through their phones. The sirens were prevalent in the background and the lights on the path robbed me of the darkness. I miss being in the country. 

Carol Orsborn writes in Older, Wiser, Fiercer, on page 7, “Aging is a time filled with irony” and comments on how there are times we are full of purpose and other times we wonder what it has all been for. **sigh** 

I am listening to a book, fiction, that has me my suspending belief about time. The character has walked through a door from 2023 and landed in 1951. Funny because yesterday was my brother’s birthday, and he was born in 1951. That caused me pause. Alongside of this book I retraced some of my own steps since 1959, my birth year. I have memories that I am unsure if they are memories or simply concoctions of my imagination. 

In this book, the character crosses paths with her grandmother at 16, and her great-grandmother in mid-life. She also witnesses how her daughter, a child of 4 in 1951, is in 2023 an older, unexplained family member, 72 years old. It boggles the mind to keep it straight and yet it reminds me, our memories can be confused, mixed up and fall away from a chronological pattern very easily. The irony? Sometimes I wish I could walk through the door and go back to simpler times and yet want to skip forward a few years to see what’s to come. The irony is wishing forward or wishing back both affect today’s purpose for living. Being old makes us appreciate our youth and yet when we were young we could not appreciate aging unless we can walk through time. Aging is living …. 

Day 15 – Hump day? Thought that was Wednesday. It is Wednesday when one is measuring a Monday to Friday week. Hump moment? That is the 13th kilometer of a ½ marathon or the 13th mile of a full one. The ‘hump’ is the bulge in the road that slows you down in a school zone. The idea is you must pay attention. So where is the hump in our aging journey? Where is the speed bump we must look for to give us the indication we are now over the hump? One never knows. 

I am sure my brother, who died in 1973, did not know the hump in his life was somewhere before his 24th birthday. Or Martin Luther King, I am sure in 1963 when he marched on Washington he was unaware it might have been the hump toward his death in 1968. Hump day could be today for any of us, however without a finish line, the hump is completely mysterious.

Tomorrow I am presenting to a group about generative aging and will talk about my views on aging well. I am more and more realizing my views and $1.40 will buy you a coffee at Tim’s and at least with the $1.40 you receive a coffee. What do I have to say that is valuable? Or even palatable? Or worth listening to? Who knows. This past week I was asked to speak for video recording about being a mature student. I spoke from my heart and in authenticity with hopes it may encourage other mature people to engage in learning. The younger student behind the camera was so encouraging to me with his thanks and kudos that I spoke well. These past few months, I have transitioned once again. The more I do the more I learn about myself. To heck with the world around me. I learn about me and that is very satisfying.

Carol Orsborn writes, on page 120, “How sobering, that moment when we come to realize that we are capable of a peculiar greatness. As we grow over time into our unique, authentic self, what others think of us becomes less and less of a concern. We lose our filters and find words ….”

Have you found your words? Is today your hump day in the rain? Is there a speed bump in your road that is asking you to slow down and pay attention? On this 15th day of my 31-day pondering, it’s my hump day, another on my road to aging well. 

After the full light of the moon we begin the journey back to darkness …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

It’s almost here … the light of the moon

Day 13

1951 a baby is born, my brother. As I look down the years of my sibling’s birth, being the youngest it stops at me. Each of my siblings and spouses have witnessed everything I have witnessed and more. The mid-1900’s were years of chaos and wave-making. The flower children, feminist movement, same sex relationship questions, drugs, alcohol, music explosion and the mass change in technology. As I sit with any of the older olds who can remember outhouses, chores in the barn, in order to eat, being kept home from school to work in the field, and children taking the place of a dead parent, my heart thickens with suffering, empathy and yet, honour. Suffering is not picky. Anyone can and will suffer. It is how we come and see our suffering that brings fulfillment. 

Carol Orsborn writes on page 97 of Older, Wiser, Fiercer “When we allow hardship and suffering to do their work over time, the ripened spirit bursts forth to inhabit one’s naturally abundant world.” Today, I was interviewed for the purpose of marketing and sharing life of a mature student and why theology is important to me. Before I could do this, I needed to let the videographer know I had left Jesus behind in the way many seek to find him. I was unsure they wanted my message on video as “promotion” of this program. 

It is through my own suffering of trying to “fit” or to answer the questions “right” that I have learned. During my previous theology degree, I was a bully, and hyper-focussed, soothing the pain with alcohol. While it was an internal struggle, most friends asked who knew me, never realized the internal chaos or to what degree I was drinking, I now hear, in Carol’s words, how my ripened spirit has burst forth in bloom. The suffering I endured was growth. Like the peony waiting in bud, in spring, to burst forth in bloom, I needed to suffer to soar. My growth was necessary to relieve the pain of suffering.

Carol goes on to write, (same page), “In fact, one is just as likely to become hard and bitter – one’s soul shriveling up like a withered apple  – should one refuse the invitation hardship issues to become vulnerable ….” Vulnerable …. Brené Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, and without vulnerability one cannot be fulfilled. We are invited to become vulnerable. With courage and bravery, you can turn around at the oldest of old you become and see the suffering you experienced and how many years you lost because you refused to allow any vulnerability. 

Vulnerability is not weakness it is fertilizer to ripen the spirit. Tonight is the full moon, with eclipse. We are in the light of the moon. Full and beautiful. The light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer

The full moon is almost here…

March 12, 2025 Day 12 – Today, I reaped the benefits of my own changing landscape of the mind. Let me tell you about it! I was up and ready for my day and, each morning, I participate in a short meditation to set the tone. I have been consecutive with this for 303 days; the app tells me. Like money in the bank the more you have, or accumulate, the harder you work not to break the streak. My mother-in-law told me that once. When you begin to save money, watching it grow becomes important. 

As I was looking for the app, my muscle memory touched the gmail app and it opened. There was an email there waiting for my reply. I opened it and read it and then started to type! NOOOOOOOOO – exclaimed my soul, spirit, heart or the great divine voice. Let it rest. Let it go! Stay the course to your 303 day! The wind is in your sails and your jib is taut, and it is taunt, teasing you to push forward.

I stopped typing, backspaced and deleted. I set the email to “unread” and closed the app. I then opened the meditation app and set to choosing who would guide me today. I was so happy. I was happy that I can now catch myself on the fly across this ocean of life. I was happy that in my sailing along, I can tack a little and yet stay on course. 

Carol Orsborn writes (on page 17) of Older, Wiser, Fiercer, “When we are young, we need billowing sails because we have so many miles to go. I don’t need as much now – just as much as necessary. The slightest breeze can be more welcomed and appreciated in older age than the great blasts of energy we previously enjoyed.” The miles, (or in Canada kilometers), I needed to go in my youth or younger years were winds of stress, lack and personal interrogation. They were sent from a low pressure system that was lower than low, steeped in poor decisions and self-incrimination. 

The winds of my life today are light breezes that come from love of self. Joy in family and are stemming from a high that can only be found through personal review of purpose and meaning. 

Are your sails full?

Full of what?

Catch the breeze of self-care as the moon is full to capacity in the coming days. Heading to the light of the moon …. women ignite, grow and burn deep with from your heart centre. 

#breakingstibah
#olderwiserfiercer